The Discipled Way

Newt was Right (by Dick Morris)

2011-05-21T15:31:00.001-04:00

In the 1980s, the pre-Blair leftist Labor Party issued its campaign manifesto to oppose Thatcher's Conservatives in the coming national election. Its loony, leftist proposals were so extreme that the Tory media promptly dubbed it "the longest suicide note in history."

The Republican proposal to shift Medicare from the current system to a voucher-based program of private insurance - in TEN years - falls into the same category. Don't blame Newt Gingrich for saying so. In fact, we have to hope that Romney, Bachmann, Daniels and the other candidates join him in distancing himself from the plan if we have a hope of electing any of them president!

Worse, the Ryan budget continues the $500 billion in Medicare cuts which formed the basis of the Republican critique of Pelosi and Obama in the 2010 election. It keeps the money in the Medicare system rather than spending it on other entitlements as Obama did, but that is scant compensation for someone seeking care now to stay alive!

(When I first endorsed Ryan's plan in a column and video, I was under the impression - as he had told me - that he would eliminate the $500 billion cut. I must have misunderstood him because his plan keeps that very cut on which we based our entire 2012 campaign. When I found that out, I switched to opposing his plan).

Gingrich was entirely correct in denouncing this part of the Ryan Budget. The rest of the document is fine. But Obama has, as we predicted he would, focused all his fire on the Medicare portion and that is what the campaign of 2012 will be about - unless the GOP candidate for president disavows the plan.

And the height of lunacy is that the Medicare voucher-based conversion is slated to take effect in a decade! Who can predict how medicine will evolve next week let along a decade hence? To hold the Republican Party's political fortunes hostage to a program that might or might not take effect in a decade is pure insanity.

So Gingrich called it what it is - "right wing social engineering." Granted, Paul Ryan has the best of intentions. He wants to keep the Medicare system solvent in the face of escalating costs, but even he concedes that changing Medicare is not necessary over the next nine years to reduce the budget deficit. It is only in 2021, when those who are now 55 turn to Medicare that he would effect his changes. The House should drop the Medicare part of the program, repeal the $500 billion cut that the Republicans vilified in the campaign, and go ahead and implement the rest of the Ryan budget.

Newt has acted responsibly and in the best interests of the Party by describing accurately what the stakes are. Don't blame him. Honor him for saying and doing the right thing.

it amazes me how with just ONE SINGLE headline, many within the conservative/tea party are so willing to change an opinion without EVER knowing WHY.

OMG, Newt railroaded Ryan!

Newt's a RINO.

etc...

yet... when you look at the BASIS for what Newt said, its right there in black and white.

Am I opposed to Ryan? NO! but I also dont buy into the notion that ANY politician is above reproach... make up your own minds.

Freedom and Maturity

2010-04-26T21:56:00.003-04:00

Its been three weeks since I was completely and utterly delivered from pornography at the Men’s campout. Since then, it seems things have begun to accelerate in the pace at which I am seeing God move in my life. Two weeks ago, I went to Fire Meeting where the Word was spoken over me, “be faithful in the little things, and He will MAKE you a ruler over much.” Those words have been stuck in the forefront of my mind since. Many times, I question what the little things are at that particular moment, for I know that God will often bring something to us that we don’t expect just to see if we are hearing Him in the midst of the journey. One of these things has been Psalms 100 verse 4. Enter His gates with Thanksgiving, and his courts with Praise. It seems fitting that this would be a revelation to me since just a matter of days before I was delivered from a chain that had haunted me for more than a decade. The other thing that has quickened my spirit is Matthew 5:3. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Now at first glance there are two ways to view this passage. The first is to view “poor in spirit” as being gentle, or humble. But such a thing limits the passage because just a couple verses later it says blessed are the meek. So it isn’t just about being gentle or humble. The other way to view this passage is to acknowledge that is just doesn’t make sense on the surface. “Poor in spirit” implies impoverished, poor, lack of wealth. Impoverished in spirit seemingly doesn’t make sense because (at least the way the natural eye sees it) this would mean those people who simply don’t have the substance to see, to hear, to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. So when I began asking God for revelation of this passage He began to show me that to be poor is to know your condition. For the word poor here literally means in the Greek “beggarly”. To beg is to know what it is you lack and ask for it from another. And that’s when this passage came alive to me. Blessed are those who know their true spiritual condition before a Holy God. Blessed are those who ask, plead, beg for what they lack from the uncreated one.

These two things have gripped my heart the last two weeks. Because it is KNOWING where I stand before the Holy One, and the genuine thankfulness of His Grace that leads me to be propelled into His presence! And as I seek Him with this in mind, I stay mindful of “be faithful in the little things.” And it is amazing to see how once I TRULY shift my perspective from trying to learn about Him carnally, to being desperate for Him spiritually… that things begin to fall like a line of dominos.

I went to Fire Meeting again two nights ago (we have them bi-weekly) and again I received a Word. It was the declaration that God was going to begin to awaken NEW dreams, NEW desires, NEW longings… one at a time. This word again comforted me, reaffirming that maturity was being gained. Ground was being taken. Territory was being won, where once it was under the enemies control. And then something happened that I did not expect. I began walking in the slightest bit of authority. And the absolute FREEDOM I felt walking in something I KNEW was from God, was one of the most fulfilling things I can remember in recent memory. To put it bluntly… it was addicting. And that’s fine, for shouldn’t we be addicted to purpose? To God? To freedom?

Be faithful in the little things. Yesterday after church, God truly astounded me by using me to minister to three different people all facing different things. Some minor, some major. And there was an odd feeling as I prayed to God for wisdom concerning each one. I felt unworthy, yet profoundly confident in what I was counseling them in. Unworthy, for who am I to be used in such a way as to counsel another in areas of life I myself am just beginning to walk in. And yet profoundly confident in that I knew that it was not MY wisdom which I was speaking, but God’s wisdom. And this was a huge confirmation concerning what was spoken over me just two nights ago, that I would only be comfortable in ministry when operating while under the Anointing.

It seems like a polar opposite concerning my pursuit of God… where before I tried so hard to get in His presence and felt like I was banging my head on the wall, now I feel as though it is profoundly simple and I receive exponentially more than I have before! It’s amazing how close you can get to Him when you don’t have a chain wrapped around your feet, waist, hands and neck! Remember, true love brings FREEDOM!

Relationship Manifesto

2010-04-20T22:59:00.004-04:00

Relationship Manifesto

The following is my confession and declaration of intent concerning the area of my life that deals with that one relationship which I dream of one day having. Manifesto meaning : a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives, or views of its issuer. But a manifesto is not just a declaration. It is a statement of intent to make manifest the beliefs that are conveyed. For what more worthless thing is there, than to express heartfelt desires and intent, yet do nothing to bring them about?

It has been many years since I began the search for my mate, my heart, my other half, my better half. Through these years, I have learned hard lessons, both about the world, and about the depths of my soul and heart. I wish I could say that these lessons were learned easily, and that I never made the same mistake twice. Sadly this is not the case. Almost everyone, if they are honest with themselves and each other, will admit that they have baggage that clings to them from their past. Most of my baggage came from one single lie that I believed. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Here is the bottom line as it stands right now. I refuse to believe that lie any longer! And this is the first step. For as long as you hold onto and believe the lie that has been spoken over your life, you will never gain freedom. I stand upon the promises of our Heavenly Father, spoken through the Holy Spirit, spoken over my life by various Apostles and Prophets of the Lord, along with the underlying foundation that was conveyed to my heart by the Holy Spirit. I take this stand daily, for the Word of the Lord will not pass away (Luke 21:33), but neither will it arrive if we falter or disobey (Psalm 109:15, 1 Timothy 1:18), or if we simply do not pray (Matthew 6:10), or if we simply treat it as if it is automatic (Galatians 6:9)

What does this mean? In layman’s terms, it means no more sitting on the sidelines. No more watching the game from a distance. No more observing others waging war, while I remain in hidden safety. There is an authority that Christ gave to us through the cross, but if we treat that authority as if it were nothing, then it will be nothing, and if it is nothing, then it is not in keeping with the purposes God made available through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. This in essence, is the denial of our role and our rule upon this fallen world. And if we do not rule, the enemy will.

That being stated, allow me to advance into the specifics of the lie that I personally believed and how it affected both my behavior, and my spiritual well-being.

From the time even before I became a Christian when I was 18 years old, I have inwardly longed for and searched for true love. That human connection from which I could share experiences with. That one person who would love me for who I am, no matter how much garbage they saw in the inward parts of me. That one person I could trust completely with my heart, that one person who would entrust their whole heart to me. I just never knew how to vocalize that desire before I knew Christ, my Savior. Almost immediately after I got saved, I began looking for a family. My family, a wife, children. This desire became so overwhelming that it soon was out of balance, and though I didn’t know it at the time, I was giving the wrong impressions to sisters in Christ, because I secretly (even unknown to me) looked at each one of them as if to question God “Is she the one?” I was polite, I was courteous, I was mannerly. But I didn’t realize just how flawed I was until I began to truly come under authority and those issues started getting exposed, and washed clean. It was then that I began to understand that others were seeing me in a way that I would NEVER have wanted. Sisters in Christ would avoid me, not because I was rude, but because I didn’t respect personal space. I brushed it off saying I was just friendly, but in reality I was intrusive. I would claim there was a solid friendship there, but in reality there was a clingingness because I would assume that anything other than a very casual interaction was somehow an advance which I deemed (in my own flawed wisdom) to be a sign to pursue more than just friendship. This behavior was evident to those persons of discernment, yet I wasn’t ready to hear that I was flawed, that I was immature, that I was in error!

Then came the lie. As subtly as the sunset, I began to ponder. When I was 19 years old, (just one year into my Christian walk) I was willingly exposed to pornography. And that one magazine would falsely convince me that intimacy could be achieved without covenant. I didn’t realize it at the time. All I knew, was I had an outlet to express my perverted sense of love. Soon, I began to realize that this false intimacy, was destroying my spirit, yet still I went back to it. I tried everything. I unveiled it to fellow men that I trusted. I prayed. I fasted. I sought council. I begged. I longed for freedom. Each year became a cycle of strong times and weak times. Each thought of freedom brought about a short period of time where I didn’t struggle, only to be toyed with as a cat would play with a mouse, giving just a glimpse of freedom before snatching it away and beginning another cycle of shame, condemnation, sorrow, and regret. Each sliver of hope for a lasting relief from this affliction became a hollowed reminder that I was shackled, bound, and tied. Tied to this sin that drove me insane from grief, from shame. Brought to tears each time I fell, each time I succumbed to the lie that was being hurled at me. Years I lived like this. Many years I survived like this. Always feeling like I was handicapped from true honorable service to my Savior. Any attempt to walk in the smallest portion of authority was met with the rug being pulled from under my feet. For how could I walk in authority, when I myself enslaved?

I survived. Nothing more. No… much less than that as a matter of fact. For the longer this went on, the more the lie became rooted in my heart and in my soul.

What was the lie? What was the thing I believed over the Word of God spoken over my life, over the hearts desires I KNEW came from the throne of God? That I would never have a wife. Never have a child. Never experience the kind of intimacy that the Lord made me for. Never know what it would be like to be one flesh with another person. Because I bought into this lie, I compromised what I thought was an unobtainable true intimacy, for a temporary shadow that I believed would fulfill in some way my need to have intimacy, even in a distorted sense.

But no longer! Now I am rooted with complete freedom in the Lord, with that lie exposed and broken off of my life, thanks to the Love and Truth of God! Thanks to the Savior, I now stand knowing and fully convinced that I will be a husband, I will be a father, I will be a lover! And this brings me to the purpose of this declaration. Over the last few weeks God has been revealing to me, in various ways, what true love is. True love is freedom! Freedom to love unhindered from the baggage and sin that would seek to enslave us and keep us bound. Remember, it was for freedom that Christ set us free! Free so that we could choose and love, Him! And as I sit here, looking to the promises that the future holds, I am overwhelmed by the grace and love of the Father, as He once again begins to show me, and to point me in the direction of maturity, purpose, authority, and her!

For EVERY good thing given, and every perfect gift is from above (James 1:17). And as such, much like the other promises of God in our lives, we MUST fight for them! The following is my manifesto:

---I will no longer search for a mate. Now I long for maturity which will lead to the inheritance.

---No longer will I allow mediocrity and compromise to rule my heart. Nor will I allow it in my relationship with my wife. I will cut it off here, so that it will not raise its ugly head then.

---Because I am no longer searching, I no longer have the pressure of asking “Is she, is she, is she?” Now I am free to build truly God-honoring relationships with sisters in Christ, in an appropriate and pure structure.

---I will not settle for a woman, I now demand THE woman whom God formed me to be with. Even if this takes another 32 years, I will, with the help of the grace of God, wait. And wait faithfully!

---With God’s help, I will no longer judge according to what I perceive to be potential, but rather how God sees them then, at that time.

---Though I know that God has promised this for my life, I will drive on to maturity, knowing that there is still much in me, that needs to be crucified, that needs to repented for, that needs to be broken off. And because I already feel this love growing in my heart for my wife, I do not want her to have to deal with my baggage and past mindsets when we meet. With the Father’s help, I will become the man that she deserves, even before we ever meet.

---I will guard my heart, and my eyes, knowing that just because I now have freedom, I am not to take the attitude that I will never deal with it again. Pride comes before a fall, and so, I will stay alert, knowing that the enemy would love to entrap me, in the very thing that bound me for so many years, and that I now have freedom in.

---I was made to love, and I was made for love. May God burn this into my heart.

---I will make a covenant to pray for my wife even now. For if I already am building love in my heart for her, then I should also, pray for her. Even now.

---May the Lord teach me even now, what a wise man once said concerning marriage. “Love her, more than you love you.”

---Lately the Lord has been bringing me back to Matthew 5:3, “Blessed be the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” May God always remind me of my true spiritual state before His Holy Throne.

---Song 8:6 says, “put me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal on your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy fierce as the grave, its flashes are flashes of fire, the very Flame of the Lord.” I pray for a greater understanding and revelation of this passage in my heart, and in my spirit.

---I commit to listening to, and weighing heavily Godly council in my life, knowing that they watch over my spiritual well-being, for my good, and NOT for my harm.

---I commit to writing to my wife. And though I know not her name right now, I love her still. May the Lord give me words that will express my heart to her, and may God watch over her as I patiently await His blessing! For He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing!

This is my manifesto

Lord, can't You do this without me interfering?

2010-02-28T22:54:00.011-05:00

Over the last 6 months of being back in Florida, I have noticed a very subtle, but very BAD habit I have gotten in. It seems I have (like many people, and even more churches) grown accustomed to seeking God in a familiar way... a safe way.... a known way.

My reason? Complacency. When I moved down here to be closer to my spiritual authority, I went through a season where I was so absolutely desperate for God's Presence that if He didn't touch me, I felt crushed. What this did in me was to show me that even during those times when I didn't "feel" His touch, He was still there. I could rest in the knowledge that He was there, even if I couldn't feel it with my heart.

But more importantly, it forced me to look inside myself. I don't mean I simply looked at a mirror. I mean I intently searched the depths of my corrupted soul, in order to find that which was hindering me from my pursuit of the Lord... those things which were not pleasing to Him.

Complacency. Why is it so hard to maintain a vibrant pursuit of God? Many people would say it isn't. And it isn't, in a sense. But so often we fall into traps that we have walked in in our past without even realizing it. I was sitting across the table from my spiritual authority when they made the statement, "your upbringing has handicapped you. Now whether you want to remain handicapped is up to you."

It seems strange to me that for Jesus to bring healing, there must be a wound that has to be inflicted in order to make us aware there is an issue in the first place. Wouldn't it be a wonderful place if we simply prayed "Lord heal me" and all those pains, disappointments, failures, shortcomings, and wounds would simply vanish? Yet though Jesus does do that for what seems like a select few, He chooses a different way with the majority of us. And in order to get our attention to see that we NEED healing... it takes a fresh wound.

It amazes me that we make such good excuses for our issues to... I didn't call it complacency... I called it "contentment." I told myself that I had the kind of faith that no matter what happened to me in this life.. I wouldn't turn my back on God. And while that IS true, it also masked a deeper issue that caused me not to fight for the abundant life Jesus paid the price for. I know I know, that doesn't add up. I told myself when something happened in my life, I chalked it up to being a test God was having me walk through to see if my heart was in the right place. So instead of pressing through the issue, I chose rather to roll with the punches, and simply survive... for the PRIDE in me (masked as faith) stated "this will not crush me"...

I masked pride calling it contentment every time I chose not to fight for something I wanted or needed. Here is the thing though. It wasn't over material things... it was over things the Bible clearly says we should be doing/having. Provision, Blessings, Abundance.

I turned Proverbs 30:7-9 into a mandate to simply survive. I twisted God's Word to make it something it was not intended to be. And while there is GREAT wisdom in

1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.

I turned it into a validation to do NOTHING.

I am getting off topic.... Damon Thompson quoted George Orwell as saying "sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious."

Yet that seems like the last thing we....(I mean I) do. There is this notion that once a lesson has been learned, there is no longer a need to look deeper.

That is a trap I fell into. God has shown me some truly remarkable things about the depth and handicapped nature of my soul... and healing has been released... but when it was done, I didn't go back to find out if there was more in that area God wanted to do.

"okay, it seems like God is bringing me back to the last point.... so I guess off topic is were I was suppose to be"

The trouble I am having is how I am to tie this into righteousness. For that is what God has been speaking to my heart lately. THAT is what I believe I am being crushed to learn. The single greatest definition of righteousness I have heard is "Righteousness is the orderedness of God."

I think many of us see righteousness as a simple term though. It isn't. It encapsulates a GREAT many things. A person can have a heart for God, and live out of order. Living in order though is not strictly about prayer, fasting, worship. We tend to (I mean I tend to) turn living for God in terms of "Christian service" and while this sounds good, it excludes life.

At the time of writing this, I have been out of work for close to 6 months. Do I want to work? Absolutely! But have I done EVERYTHING I could have to find work? no. I treated it as I have treated so many other things... I patiently waited for provision. Sounds spiritual... sounds right(ish). And while I was growing in certain areas, I was NEGLECTING others.... This has been... out of order.

I got a word from God from a trusted prophet saying that God was "pleased with me." Yet this puzzled me... and BOTHERED me... for I could even then identify areas in my life that were out of alignment.

It seems strange, that when I am by myself, my mind ponders with thoughts of ministry, things I could/should be doing for the Kingdom, ways to make an impact. Yet when I am spending time with my authority, I find rest in the simple things we put our hands to. Building a fence, working cows, doing seemingly insignificant things throughout the day... yet this man and his family have made more of an impact than MANY entire churches I know. While I am there I go from being bombarded with thoughts about what I think I SHOULD be doing... and simply find rest in knowing that what I putting my hands to right now, is more profitable to me than if I were given the opportunity to preach to an entire church.

It is a wonderful thing when you are able to step back and see the bigger picture. You start to realize that it really isn't about ministry. It isn't about being a good witness. It is about a life lived in relationship with the Creator, a life of righteousness, where it is not just said, but lived out "I must decrease that He may increase."

"What will it take for you to start to live?" These words were spoken to me by my authority. And the more I bring this question to God, the more I realize I haven't bee living at all. I have been surviving. But Jesus didn't come to allow us to survive. He said "I come to bring life, and life more abundantly."

Life. I am coming to grips with the fact I don't know what it is suppose to be. It is a revelation I believe will only come as I walk more and more in righteousness. Righteousness. It is so much more than what the church has made it. We have made it the same as justification. It isn't.

A New Path to God?

2009-12-16T20:49:00.007-05:00

My thoughts lately have been gravitating towards the discipleship and fellowship I find myself in. It is a strange thing when I step back and see REAL growth... yet I struggle to explain HOW I have grown. Over the last few months I have almost clung to my spiritual authority and somewhat have taken the path Ruth took. "Where you go I will go."

As I fellowship with Tony and listen while he talks with others, I find myself (probably for the first time in my life) being more and more silent, absorbing the wisdom that is being exchanged in the conversations I see. "Listen Much and Speak Little." These words had attempted to burn themselves into my spirit years ago... but I resisted. Now I find that the more I submit, the more free I get. The more I listen, the more powerful my own words become.

It seems strange.... we have Seminaries that teach men and women how to speak and preach... yet in Discipleship, you become more powerful by listening.... I digress, back to the thoughts I wanted to share.

I step back and look at my growth. I see it. Though I have had a hard time explaining it. These last few weeks have been frustrating to me. For though I see growth, I also felt like God was not really speaking to me. Though to be honest, I really wasn't pursuing Him much either (at least not how we normally think about pursuing Him). Yet as I was talking to Tony today, it dawned on me what God has been showing me lately.

Service.

It seems so simple. Though I believe I am not alone when I say that I always viewed service to others as the evidence that shows your love for God. Instead, God has been awakening me to the truth that serving others is not the evidence of our love for Him... it is the route we take to GET TO HIM. By this I mean I viewed it as what we do BECAUSE we love God. Now I am seeing that service to others is the path we take to get closer to the Father, not the evidence.

When you think about "seeking the Lord", what comes to your mind? Being alone, just you and God? Prayer? Fasting? Preaching? Witnessing? Reading the Word? Why does serving others not come into our thought process? Why did it not enter my thought process?

I have been serving.... not for the money... but for the growth. I have just begun to get a slight glimpse of what the First Century Church was like. Where they poured their lives into each other. Where they served each other, and didn't stop with a casual "how are you doing?" I have been serving for the maturity. I have been serving for the growth. Yet at the time I only knew that I needed to hang out with my authority.... I knew I needed to, though I couldn't explain why.

Now I am beginning to know. I am beginning (and I stress the word BEGINNING) to realize that when we serve others we are actively pursuing Jesus. When we serve others we make ourselves humble, and God gives GRACE to the humble.

When we serve others we are actually running down the path that brings us closer to the Lord! It is not a passive activity we do to show our love for God so that we can somehow be fulfilled when we do seek Him in the quiet times.... It is a violent march that comes along side others and helps them down the path we are taking... even if they are kicking and screaming the whole way.

Lord, teach me more about the 1st Century Church. Teach me how they loved each other. How they fought for each other. How they served each other. Teach me Lord so that I may be able to see it in today;s churches. Teach me Lord so that I may be one who pours my life into another.

Weeds in His Garden...

2009-10-11T06:44:00.007-04:00

It was 4 days ago that I was seeking the Lord concerning the struggles and trials that I have seen some of my brothers and sisters in Christ face. These precious loved ones are struggling with issues that few (yet many) are familiar with. Self doubt, isolation, abandonment, misunderstanding, etc. They all have a couple things in common though. After listening to them talk about their issues (which is important) it became evident that they were looking more to the issues than to Christ for their identity. And THIS was the problem. They are allowing their issues and struggles to determine who they are, because they either are unable to see what freedom looks like, or they are unwilling to change the way they think about things to affect real and lasting change.

They have been counseled to run after, seek after, hunt after, God. To track Him like you would and elusive quarry. It has really been messing with me that they are going through things. But I also felt like it would do more harm than good simply by saying things I am sure they have heard before, "You will get through this, you are more than a conqueror through Christ, give it al to Him, etc."

We say these things thinking that we are doing the right thing, encourage them, get them to have more confidence, etc. But that doesn't really address the issues they are facing. And that was why I was seeking the Lord concerning these precious ones.

I was outside praying when I felt the Holy Spirit turn my eyes towards a simple flowerbed. It was so overgrown with weeds, that the very first thing you notice when you look at it, is the LACK of what gardens are suppose to have. The weeds had grown until they choked the very life from the other good plants. And while the weeds had not killed all the other plants, they were keeping the other plants from being HEALTHY and producing colors, and fragrance, and blooms.

When I looked at this simple flowerbed, I saw certain things which I hadn't really thought about before. As I was praying, soon I began declaring things in prayer, and grabbed my camera, set it to movie mode, and this is what God showed me.

You are a Garden of the Most High God. You are Garden of the Most High God. You were born, you were created to have life, you were created to have purpose, you were created to have fulfillment. And like a garden, your fruit are your flowers; your fruit are your blooms. But everytime you allow, words of negativity, words of isolation, words of abandonment, words of “I’m alone, no one understands me, no one has walked through what I am walking through, you are allowing those things to take root, into your heart, into your soul, and ultimately it isn’t God that allows it.

You are a garden of the Most High God, and the only time, the only way the enemy can plant something in your heart, in your life, is when you allow him to. The only time the enemy is allowed to place a root in your life is when you allow it. Because God has given you dominion. God has given you authority. God has given you the right to decide what is planted in your garden. God has given you the right to know what is planted in your garden. God has given you the ability to reject the works of the enemy, and to look for, and to long for, and to desire Him. Like flowers with vibrant bright blooms, that is what God wants to develop and grow in His garden.

You are a garden of the Most High God. The only time, that the enemy is allowed access into your life, it is not God that allows it; it is you that allows it. Everytime you allow those thoughts to linger, everytime you ponder the thoughts of “I’m alone, no one understands me, I’m isolated, I’m by myself, I am gripped by these things, I’m lustful, I’m this or I’m that”, you are allowing roots to develop, you are allowing weeds to spring up in the garden that God has purposed in you. And those weeds will grow. Those weeds will grow until they choke the very life out of the blooms and the fruit, and the flowers and the plants that God, that God, that God has planted in you. Everytime you allow those thoughts to ponder in your heart, everytime you allow those thoughts to linger in your mind, everytime you choose to dwell upon those things, you are allowing those roots to grow. You are allowing those roots to take over the garden that God has caused you to be. You are a Garden of the Most High.

You are a garden of the Most High God. But ultimately, whether your garden, whether your life bears fruit or weeds, is up to you. It is completely up to you. God says, “I want you to have life. I want you to have life and life more abundantly.” God has given us the very permission, the very release, the very encouragement by His Word, that says. “I want you to bear fruit, I want you to be prosperous, I want you to be happy, I want you to be content, I want you to be satisfied and fulfilled and have purpose,” but that purpose comes from the plants that He places in your garden. Purpose comes from God. Purpose comes from the things that He plants in you. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. The fruits of the spirit is what God is wanting to plant in you.

As I have been pondering this over the last few days though, I am starting to see where I do this to. Where I focus on issues rather than Christ. Where I have allowed issues to be higher than Jesus. The thing is, I didn't notice it before.

Lord, burn inside of me. Burn away the weeds, the roots, the issues, and the problems that are keeping me from You. Burn inside me, judge me, show me Your judgments. Show me more of You! And plant choice fruits in Your Garden!

Ridicule? or Misinterpretation?

2009-09-15T00:24:00.008-04:00

Today I took the day off. I needed it, I had a VERY long weekend, and though it was amazing, it also was exhausting. But as I was laying in bed tonight, I was listening to Dutch Sheets on a podcast talking about offense, and suddenly I remembered something that happened last night at church.

Last night I went to "Collide" which is a ministry of Covenant Community Ministries (my church). Truth be told, I would have preferred to go home and go to bed (did I mention I was exhausted?) but because I knew my authority wanted me there, I went before being asked (still waiting to see if I get bonus points for doing things BEFORE being told)...lol. The service was awesome, had a great time in worship, pressed into God's Presence again, and simply enjoyed it. After Praise and worship, Tony preached on authority and being ready for battle in this day and age.

Afterwords, we prayed. For numerous people, and for numerous reasons. As Tony was speaking during this time about going to war with people whom you know have your back and you can trust, I leaned against a wall and kind of slumped over (the statement itself was piercing my heart). Then I felt hands and arms all over me as multiple brothers began to pray over me. (on a sidenote, notice the difference between being prayed 'for" and prayed "over"... when being prayed for, they want you to pay attention to what they are saying. when being prayed 'over' the people praying aren't really all that interested in if you are paying attention..lol)

These brothers prayed over me, and began saying things I was (to be completely honest) not expecting, and not wanting to believe about my walk with Christ. I heard "time to grow up", "time to stop sucking on the tit", "stop knocking the giants down and KILL them"... but because of the trust I had in these men of God, I received it. But then afterwords, I began questioning, wondering, and honestly, started getting offended by these words in prayer.

I had just made a trip across multiple states to move to where my authority was. I had just gotten the breakthrough at the Ramp I had been seeking after for months! I had FINALLY broken through to God's Presence! I was expecting to hear something like "we got your back brother." I was finally seeing GROWTH and because of the words spoken over me I felt like I was farther behind than when I started this journey months ago. (this was my biggest fear about coming back to this church. I was afraid that either the ones that KNEW me would reject me, or that they would simply treat me as if I were a rebellious child that would only be here until things got tough again) (on another side note, isn't it amazing how the enemy will often hit us with the VERY fears we dread the most... yet, they aren't actually happening, they are but an illusion of what we are scared of. These brothers weren't rejecting me, they were EDIFYING me!)

For the rest of the service I felt like I was an outsider, like I didn't belong there, and I had that nudge in the back of my head that said, "you don't have to stand for this, you should walk out of here right now, they don't want you here."

And there were points when I ALMOST did! But I could not bring myself to do it. During this prayer time I had to FORCE myself to pray over others. My confidence was gone and I thought at times like I was doing more HARM than good while praying for others.

I knew I needed clarity in this matter and that wouldn't come until I had brought this to Tony after the service. The bottom line is this, I trusted my authority THROUGH my own emotions and offenses. I walked away from this eight years ago, I was NOT about to walk away again.

After the service, Tammy asked me how I was doing, and I responded with "confused". She asked why and while I was trying to explain what I was feeling I broke down in tears. (seems like the closer I get to God the more crying I end up doing.) She said, "let me get Tony."

When I spoke to Tony, I didn't hold anything back, but I did not get defensive either. I expressed what was on my heart, and what I was feeling and thinking. It was through this that clarity came. This Word was not saying "you are worthless and are not growing." This Word was saying "this is the time of preparation that God is wanting to use to bring maturity in your life so that you can gain the inheritance you were called to." It was through the delivery that I misinterpreted it.

And as Tony correctly pointed out, I had just spent 24 hours on a bus, then went to Alabama, spent time at the Ramp getting trashed in God's Anointing, and then had an all day church focus. I had not slept decently since last Tuesday! I was EXHAUSTED! I was so exhausted that I literally was not tired anymore.

As I sit here writing this, what weighs on my heart the most is that we Must TRUST those in authority over us. It would have been VERY easy for me to stay offended, proceed into defensive, and claim certain 'rights'. But I have gone down that path. I know its destination. And it is a dead end in the middle of the desert with snakes all around it. It was my TRUST that allowed me to get to the truth of the matter.

When you get offended, do not allow your offense to outweigh your trust. There might be blessings on the other side just WAITING for you to allow FAITH to secure the promise. But the only thing that offense and defensiveness will secure.... is death.

Maturity is coming. It has started. Because a few years ago, I wouldn't have waited around to get clarity... I would have claimed some self-righteous standard and walked away thinking myself correct. Maturity is not an overnight thing. Neither is growth. And neither is Authority. These things must begin somewhere, and proceed down a path. And as I said good night to Tony, the last thing I said before going home was, "I am not quitting this. You will either have to kick me out, or kill me."

Something tells me he smiled as I walked away.

(edit :addition) I JUST posted this blog when I heard Dutch Sheets say "Sometimes the Lord will set you up to be offended just to just to show you that you have the tendencies in certain areas of your life, to take the bait."

WOW!!!

The Anticipation is Building (Pre-Ramp)

2009-09-11T15:24:00.009-04:00

I arrived in Fort Myers from the Greyhound Thursday at noon time. I had a few hours to get settled in, put my things down, take a shower, and eat something before meeting a group of men from CCM so we could begin driving to Alabama for the Men's Ramp.

I had major difficulties during my trip to Florida. At one point, I was in danger of missing my transfer in Atlanta, and would have had to miss the Ramp altogether. I have been wanting to go to the Ramp for months now. I watch it online as often as I can, but it becomes hard to watch over the internet knowing that you aren't getting the full effect as you would if you were in the middle of the Anointing. As the time comes to be at the Ramp, there is a certain measure of anticipation that seems to be reaching a crescendo in terms of the weight of the moment.

I met up with the guys from CCM, and met for the first time, many men I have not known before. Almost instantly though, we clicked, and began driving to Alabama. I now sit in front of my laptop in the hotel room waiting until 4pm so we can begin the short journey to the Ramp. I tried to lay down for abit, but found that even during my dream, I had the urge to be awake. I had a short dream about the Ramp in which the Ramp was sharing a counter top with another group. We had soda, water, etc, and they had liquor and booze. Some of us felt uneasy about sharing this space with the other group, but no one wanted to keep an eye on it because the Ramp was in the middle of a message and none of us wanted to miss it. Some even said, "well, they have their side, and we have ours, and everything is fine." When I heard a couple people voice the same thought, I stood up and stated that I will watch over our side. I said this because I had concerns about the other group taking out things, or trying to "mix" their liquors into "our" drinks. Right after this I woke up.

I now sit here, trying to ponder and focus in on what to expect at the Ramp tonight. I am so excited about going I honestly do not believe I can express it adequately with words. God is doing something very special in the midst of Southwest Florida. I have heard reports and rumors from friends, but now I see it plain as day. This is a group that is not content to have "church" on Sunday morning anymore. They want a MOVE of God. This is a group that will go to battle over issues that just a few years ago would have simply been accepted.

I am not sure how it happened, but I find myself in the middle of something extraordinary, and I seem to "fit" within its boarders. It has been a VERY long time since I had the same feeling of 'belonging' and this time I know it is for a purpose.

Some of the guys are taking a nap. Some are walking around. I find myself writing, and thinking about what God is doing in our midst. I feel like I am on the edge of a immersion which I have never experienced before. And I no longer want to be immersed. I no longer want to be submerged. I want to be drowned. I want to be crushed. Crush depth. The point where the pressure is so strong, that it simply causes an implosion within the vessel. That is what I want.

The Goodness of God 8-30-09

2009-08-31T01:03:00.005-04:00

The past month I feel like I have been getting my teeth kicked in. My spiritual authority had told me to keep writing something each week, yet for the past 5 weeks I have felt nothing to write about. I have seen yet another example of the absolute importance of fellowship and support. You see, when I went to Montana I was overwhelmed with the anointing of God as it rested and dwelt upon my spiritual authority. For two weeks I was immersed in God's Presence and Anointing. Then I came back to Tennessee, and awaited the time when God would open the doors and I would move to be discipled by these mighty one's of God.

And time passed.

and time passed.

and passed.

And before I knew it, it had been close to four months that had taken place since I was saturated in God's abundant grace. I found work (the only work that was available, but it required me to work on Sunday which would prohibit me from attending church.) But I told myself it was only for a time and then I would be moving and once again be able to experience the support and encouragement of the corporate body of believers in church.

As the four months rolled by, what had been a wonderful clarity of God's voice in my life faded into a whisper. And that whisper faded into silence. What had been a weekly encounter with the Holy Spirit, turned into a "Holy Spirit where are You?" moment. The anointing being diminished in my life. Now hold on, before you call me a heathen for saying God's Presence wears off, allow me to explain.

King David had a wonderful anointing upon him. He was anointed for war. So strong was David's anointing that those who fought beside David also gained that anointing for fighting. These would become David's Mighty Men (2 Samuel 23). In fact, the New Testament describes God's Presence and our relation to it, as a "cup" that overflows (Psalm 23:5, Luke 22:20, Romans 5:5). God promised that He would "pour out His Spirit on all flesh in the last days (Joel 2). Constantly we are told to be "filled" with the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:4, Acts 13:52).

This is not a one time filling, it is a continual filling because as is evidenced throughout the Bible, God wants us to remain dependent on Him, so just like when He sent Manna from Heaven for Israel, He also wants us to keep coming back to Him to get more of Him.

So over the last four months, because of not being able to go to church, and not having much Christian fellowship, I have not been getting filled up on a consistent basis. This has led to getting less and less able to clearly hear from God concerning what He is wanting to show me. Christians should be the most interdependent people on the planet!

Today I was able to go to church for the first time in the better part of four months, and though the service itself was not what some would call a "moment of divine revelation", what it DID do, was to plug me in to share in the corporate anointing that rests upon New Hope and the people there. All day long God has been showing me things that have rocked my heart in ways I thought I had forgotten about.

Yesterday I went to work and was told that I would not be able to work ue to not having a certain item in my possession and a $20 bank for change. Yesterday I was more upset than I have been in MONTHS. I had to ask friends to keep me in prayer because I was on the verge of venting in an emotional outburst of "what I REALLY think". Needless to say, today after church I was not REALLY keen on the idea of going to work. Yet, in many ways God showed me certain things which I will now outline here.

I hear Christians everyday talk about how they are being persecuted in the workplace. Some are, but most are simply immature and think that ANY conflict is a sign of the other person hating them for their faith. I have never liked saying things like "my faith is being challenged at work" because to me, it almost seemed like such a person signs up for the victim role. I want to be salt and light... not a victim.

For close to three months, I have been pushed into a corner at work. Many times it truly felt like they were trying to make me quit. And had I still been that immature young man who had a horrible work ethic, I would have. But something inside me has shifted. Something has changed. I thought it was just a matter of maturity. But today I think it is something else. Yesterday I was pushed into a corner and my shift was given to another server who wasn't even on the schedule. I was sent home, and they worked.

This ate at me ALL DAY. After church I received a phone call from a sister in Christ who wanted to call me and tell me she was praying for me. This instantly encouraged me, for I honestly do not know if I would have gotten through this season without her prayers. But something she said really resonated with me. She had told me that she started praying for me from the first day we started working there because she could see from day one how I was getting railroaded. This was the first time I REALLY thought about the idea that I might be getting pushed to quit. Now the old me would have looked for a confrontation to take advantage of, use it to voice my opinions, act in a self righteous way, quit on "moral grounds", and learned NOTHING. Today I actually THANK them for being used to confront me with these issues I used to struggle with.

Today I am not the same person I was 2-3 years ago. Today I can see how God has used them to refine me and to bring out His reflection in me. While others will berate managers, I hold my tongue. While others speak out, disrespect authority and rebel, I humble myself and submit, respecting those in authority over me. While others fly off the deep end because they don't want to remove a lip ring, I do pretty much everything asked of me while at work. While others sit behind closed doors gossiping about the managers, I choose not to spread rumors. Numerous servers have come to me and said "if that happened to me, I would have walked out." I simply smile and say "I'm not you."

But it is clear at this point that there is a push to get me to quit. Yet this makes NO sense to me because I have already submitted my 2 week notice and will be leaving in about 8 days.

So today before work, I was spending sometime alone with God, and I picked up the Book "The Knowledge of the Holy" by A W Tozer. This was a book I had tried NUMEROUS times to read but could not get into it. Yet today I flipped to the chapters and my eyes quickly fell to the "Goodness of God" chapter.

As I started reading it became clear to me that in my quest to draw closer to God through His Righteousness, Holiness, and Grace, I had lost sight of a KEY element of the nature of God. And that is His Goodness. We say it all the time, "God is good." Yet we shuffle past this without really letting it sink in.

God is GOOD. He listens to our prayers, not because He has to, but because He is GOOD. He created us, and redeemed us by sending His Son to die for us, not because He was forced to... but because He is GOOD. God LOVES giving us GOOD things! He delights in His children! He adores us!

Revealing yet more sin in my own life. . .

2009-07-17T16:46:00.012-04:00

How does a person begin to describe the absolute inadequacy in which they talk about a topic that has held such power over them for more decades than that person has been a Christian? More than any other issue, the topic of lust is one that feels wholly beyond my grasp (or authority) to soundly express to another person. Call me defeated if you want, but no other issue has ever kept me in bondage like this one has, and as such, I feel like I am not only unworthy to discuss it to fellow believers, but almost as if I am the biggest hoax for even bringing it up. And yet, that is precisely what it seems the Lord Jesus wants me to do right now.

I read a book in which it was stated, "To the degree that you are free from lust on earth, you will begin to experience heaven." This statement has rung in my ears for many months. And yet, I think it is just now taking root and growing.

You see, we have been taught (in the church) that lust is connected to sexuality, and because it has always been taught linked to "adultery, fornication, immorality, etc" people have gotten the notion that lust is boiled down to sinful sex. But I would like to share a few things that God has been opening my own heart to as it relates to lust.

I half expected God to bring me to Revelation to hear about Lust through the fall of Babylon (Revelation 17-18), but instead, God brought me to Ezekiel chapter 23. This entire chapter talks more about Lust than any other place I have found in the Word. But what I noticed was how similar the descriptions of these two "sisters" were in relation to today's church.

This whole thing started when I asked some of my friends a simple question. "What is your biggest obstacle you face in your walk with Christ?" And so as not to seem to pry, I was the first to answer. I said that lust was my biggest obstacle, specifically pornography. Yet when I pondered this, I realized that pornography was simply a symptom, not the root. At the root was lust. And then God revealed something to me, . . . it had nothing to do with sexuality! At it's core, is the illusion of control that is seemingly offered in return for your immorality. I say illusion, because that is all sin EVER offers. The illusion of the promised return.

The return is always temporary, the return is always fake, and the return is never enough. This is the very nature of an illusion. But the price in order to obtain that illusion is nothing less than the tainting and the destruction of our souls. It destroys intimacy with the Father to obtain an illusion of a return.

As I was reading Ezekiel 23 though, I started to see that these two sisters were not lusting because of sexuality, they were using their sexuality as a tool to obtain what they lusted for!

Ezekiel 23:5-7
"Oholah played the harlot while she was Mine; and she lusted after her lovers, after the Assyrians, her neighbors, who were clothed in purple, governors and officials, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding on horses. "She bestowed her harlotries on them, all of whom were the choicest men of Assyria; and with all whom she lusted after, with all their idols she defiled herself.

What she lusted for was popularity, fame, riches, comfort, influence. She used sex as a means to gain what she lusted for.

The word "lusted" in the NASB comes from the Hebrew word "agab" which means "to have inordinate affection, lust." The context shows that to lust after something is to abandon self-control, discipline, and wisdom in order to allow your emotional response to completely dictate your own selfish desires.

Listen to the passage from the book, "The Final Quest" (pg 114),

"Love will never manipulate or try to control out of insecurity because love casts out all fear. The very place where relationships can be most corrupted is also where they can be most fulfilling, after redemption has worked in them. True love is a taste of heaven, and lust is the enemy's ultimate perversion of the Glory of heaven. To the degree that you are free of lust on earth, you will begin to experience heaven."

Lust seeks to manipulate things around us in order to gain something we have in our heart we want. Lust is the polar opposite of Love. And this is why it is so very deceptive. When people make room for lust, they abandon wisdom, control, and discipline, and they allow their emotions to fully dictate how they act and what they do. This is why people say that pornography gets more and more depraved, because the more you feed lust, the more you isolate yourself from wisdom, from council, from accountability, from self-control, and even from the Holy Spirit (who convicts us of sin in our lives). The more we listen to lust, the less we listen to the Spirit.

This is why God spoke in the Ten Commandments "do no covet", because coveting is to open the door for lust to enter. As a preacher once said, "The reason you fell into sin, is because you put yourself up for sale!" And as long as you are for sale, the enemy will keep digging and digging slowly getting you to lower your price, over and over and over again until he gives you an illusion of a return that you THINK meets your agreed upon price, and you fall! This is why we are admonished:

1 Corinthians 7:23
You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men.

1 Corinthians 6:20
For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

We were bought already! We do not belong to ourselves anymore.

This is why David was such an amazing example of humility while he was King. David took the attitude that "If God wants me to be King, He will make me King." David did not try and manipulate circumstances to gain what he KNEW he was called to. And even after he was cursed by a bitter old man, David responded by saying

2 Samuel 16:10 But the king said, "What have I to do with you, O sons of Zeruiah? If he curses, and if the LORD has told him, 'Curse David,' then who shall say, 'Why have you done so?'"

David NEVER sought to control!

Is this not what we have done in the church? We should be set apart from the world! instead, we hold up a price tag saying "hey we are, we are for sale", and then we wonder why preachers and pastors fall into sin? We wonder why we don't see signs and wonders? We wonder why we don't seek to get more of the Lord's Presence? Because it is possible to reform the world, without reforming our own souls!

We want to trade with the world! We want the popularity! We want the fame! We want the influence! And instead of allowing God to bring those things TO US, we have rather sought to "help Him" by injecting our own notions of how to reach the lost!

"They uncovered her nakedness; they took her sons and her daughters, but they slew her with the sword. Thus she became a byword among women, and they executed judgments on her. (Ezekiel 23:10)

Because we went out trying to gain influence and popularity and fame, our lust grew until when it gets uncovered, the world will see our nakedness, they will haul away our sons and daughters (legacy), and will turn on us with the sword!

Why do you think there is such a war going on over the hearts and minds of the youth of this nation?

Lust is the root of various sins. "Adultery, Idolatry, Fornication, Covetousness, Unforgiveness, Offense, Pride." Lust seeks to control. Love seeks to set free!

Lust seeks to dominate. Love seeks to liberate.
Lust seeks to dictate. Love seeks to guide.
Lust seeks to force. Love seeks to give freely.
Lust seeks to divide. Love seeks to unify.
Lust seeks its own. Love seeks others.
Lust seeks to rush. Love is patient.
Lust seeks to be rash. Love is kind.
Lust says "I deserve it." Love says "I am thankful for it."
Lust says "you owe me." Love says "it was a gift."
Lust says "I want my riches now!" Love says "my reward is in heaven."
Lust will deceive. Love will rejoice in the truth.
Lust will hold on! Love will let go.
Lust offers an illusion. Love offers eternity!

I am only scratching the surface of what God is showing me concerning lust. But I still do not feel adequate to relay it to another.... so I am very grateful to the Grace of God that "in my weakness, He is made strong!" Amen!

Beyond the Veil of my Projected Motives

2009-07-05T22:24:00.009-04:00

I have been putting off writing this entry for awhile now. I have known I was to write this for sometime, yet due to what I am about to share, I am just getting to the place where I can look at this part of me, much less talk about it.

Recently, God has put someone in my life that is a dear friend, but she reminds me of myself many years ago (and honestly pretty recently too). It seems that God has been showing me things about my own life through the friendship I have with her. Here is what I mean.

When I first got saved, God so graciously put certain men and women into my life that have acted as councilors, pastors, and authority. For the first time that I remembered, I was actually being invested in by someone else! The problem however, is that I was not serious enough about fixing the problems within me that God seriously wanted to deal with. I acted and said the right things, and before long, I became a Christian version of the very thing I was saved from!

I hid behind my manners and politeness. I replaced "righteousness" with a form of self righteousness before I ever truly understood the concept of righteousness. I was THE MOST polite, and passively rebellious man....hmmm (boy) you ever met! I would recognize wisdom being handed to me! I would accept it, contemplate it, and then rationalize why I should do the EXACT OPPOSITE! And at first, there was no consequence to this. But as time went on, I saw that these men and women of God were turning their backs on me. Yet, it was not them abandoning me, but rather me abandoning them! You see, I trampled on their advice. I asked them for council, then trashed it because they didn't say what I wanted to hear.

I became spiritually dead before I ever had a chance to experience the life altering power of the Cross and the Holy Spirit!

Because this had gone on for quite sometime, I developed new traits that would end up masking my TRUE self, while giving others the impression I had it together. I became a charlatan. And the really disturbing thing was, I believed my own lies!

Over time, this caused all my relationships (that were true relationships) to step away from me, and stop investing time into my life. (I mean why wouldn't they? I did the exact opposite of what they said! How long would you invest in someone like that?) The sad thing was, I was always blaming them, when I was the one doing it to myself.

Do you know how many bridges I burned because I traded council like some people trade baseball cards? The thing is though, I don't think I really truly understood just what it was I was doing until just recently. Something happens when you get to the place of absolutely crying out for God's Presence more than anything else. I started to really desire God's Presence more than video games, more than jobs, more than friends, more than relationships, more than recognition, more than riches.

I have had a horrible job history, because when I would encounter hard times at a job, I would go to Godly council, and when they would say "submit and humble yourself", I would tell myself, "God doesn't want you to be a pawn", and so I would quit. When people got on my nerves, I would go to Godly council and when they would say, "humble yourself ask for forgiveness for your bitterness, and reconcile", I would tell myself, "the problem is with the other person and they need to apologize to me!" When I began liking a woman, I would go to them and when they would say, "She is not the right one for you", I would hear myself saying, "She just needs someone to invest in her life and I can do that."

Do you know how much sin you can rationalize in your life due to the total disregard to Godly council? I fornicated, I quit jobs out of pride, I ruined friendships, I lied, I manipulated, I controlled, I schemed, I abandoned people, I isolated myself, I deceived (others and myself), I committed idolatry, I became bitter, I became untrusting, I became delusional, I brewed unforgiveness, I became proud, I became lazy, I became deceitful, I stole, I hated, I became critical, I became the BIGGEST hypocrite this world has ever known!

Even my authority (whom I am now submitted to) walked away from me for a season, because I was disobedient, I was rebellious, I was deceitful, I was immature, I walked in the flesh, even though I stated time and time and time again how I was close to God!

Father forgive me!

Maybe it is because I am seeing things from the opposite point of view. This young couple reminds me of me in so many ways! He says the right things, acts the right way, knows the right terminology... she will rationalize what she WANTS to do over and above what she has heard from both God and council...

It seems so clear to me hearing it from this end of the spectrum. He doesn't fool me. Yet I WANT to believe he wants to change! I too am VERY good (better than he is it seems) at giving off the right impression! Give me 5 minutes with someone, and unless they have the gift of discernment, I will have them fooled in record time! But, . . . the longer you are around me, the more exposed I become. Until I can no longer hide my hidden self, and you either want nothing to do with me, or I walk away because you know me better than I would like.

I used to wonder how Paul could go from saying he was one of the Chief Apostles, to saying he was chief of all sinners..... now I think I know. When you take a good hard look inside of you, and you REALLY see things from God's point of view, then no matter how small someone else may see your sin, you see your sin as the biggest violation of God's purposes for not only your life, but the entire creation! Though another may see a small matter, when you REALLY see your sin clearly, you see it as the biggest affront to God that has ever been perpetrated in the whole of this world. This is why Paul was sincere when he said "oh wretched man that I am!" This is why Paul truly meant it when he said

1 Timothy 1:15
It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all.

Romans 7:24
Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

Paul didn't see another's sins... he saw his own sin! And when you see your own sin, you cannot help but forget about another's sins, because NOTHING looks more wicked than what we have committed!

It wounds my heart to think about walking back in that path. Oh Father! Please take my life, before You allow me to return to my own vomit! Lord, Break me, Judge me, Shake me! I do not want to go back! I would rather die, then go back to what I was! I am so desperate for Your Presence in my life! I echo Paul's heart cry, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?"

Praise God that the answer is Jesus!

To everything there is a Season....

2009-07-05T19:39:00.005-04:00

Often when I am talking to a friend, I will (almost daily) ask her, "What has God been showing you today?" I have been walking these last few months in an intense awareness that God is showing me the true depths of my own soul, while at the same time, He is showing me more of who He is, and is removing some of the veils I see Him through. Sometimes when I ask my friend this question, she will be quickly to answer, and then other times, much like myself, she struggles to answer because there are times when God doesn't seem to be showing us anything.

This has made me ponder and contemplate in those times where we do not really know what God is showing us, what we should focus on...

Over the last few months, God has been so very real to me (much more than I have ever experienced before) and while there have been times when He has almost visibly peeled back the layers between heaven and earth to show me something new, there are times when I have looked back and wondered "did I miss it? did I miss something God was showing me?" I sit here tonight, and I ponder this question.

Then, when I am thinking about something completely different, God seems to show me the answer I was searching for previously. There are times when He shows us things on a daily basis, yet there are also times, when He simply wants us to soak in what He has already shown us. This is where I find myself tonight. I keep looking for a new revelation, yet God seems firm to tell me to soak in things I have been shown.

I awaken everyday eager to learn something new and get closer to His presence, yet, just being in His presence is both maturing me, and liberating me! My authority told me that God was not treating me like a sponge. You can take the driest sponge, and place it in water, and almost instantly it will soak up all the moisture and become truly drenched in liquid.

God has been treating me like a steak. (I know I know, I come up with awful analogies), but because I once enjoyed the anointing and God's presence, and later became dry, God has been treating me like a steak which is marinating in His presence.

Soaking a sponge is almost instant. Marinating takes time. But as anyone that loves steaks will tell you, the best steaks are the ones that are marinated, and slow cooked.

This means that there are times where the next revelation is going to be (not delayed) but appointed for a later day, because we need to simply BE in His presence! I am not good at the just "being." I always feel like I should be "doing" something, anything to get closer to the presence of God.

Just BE.

Not DO.

Just BE.

One thing I am thinking about though, is how we view "history" and what will be recorded when we die. See, the thing is, we have always been told to live our lives in such a way that when we go home to be with the Lord, that our 'legacy' would remain. We seem to think that what we do in this life (aka, have a big ministry, have a bigger impact on the world, etc) is the most important thing. But, have we ever considered that how this world remembers us is COMPLETELY different than how heaven's history books will record our deeds?

Will we look at ministries which have a huge following as more notable than those who did not have a bug following? Is it the number of people that will affect heaven's account? Or is it people? God seems much more concerned with quality rather than quantity. I know of ministries that (and this might sound judgmental) have massive followings, it they produce very few changed lives. But I also know of ministries where very few people will have heard of them, but they absolutely change the lives of those who plug into them!

What we do in this life.... will it matter when viewed through the lens of eternity? Heaven will have a set of History Books. All of the details of our lives are recorded in them. These books will be use to determine loss/reward when we (those redeemed by the Cross) stand before the Judgment Seat. What will these books say of me? What will these books say of you? Will they tell of a life laid down for the Glory of the Lamb? Or will they reveal a life that was busy trying to 'do' for the Kingdom as if what we did in this life (through our own motives/initiative) were the important thing?

Jesus said, Deny yourself, take up your cross (symbolic of your death), and follow Him. Follow Him where He leads us. Deny ourselves. Take up our Cross!

Deny ourselves! Take up (our) Cross! Follow Him! And just "BE"

My Failure and my Romance.....

2009-07-03T00:59:00.011-04:00

Today, I went to work (had the day off but I filled in for another server), and I began praying on the way to the Restaurant. I caught myself though right before I was about to pray the common request I have when going to work for tips, "Lord, please bless my finances." Right before I said this, I caught myself. Lately God has been completely remodeling my heart into something I do not think I have ever experienced before. So I was kinda taken aback when I stopped praying so abruptly. But when I thought about it, I had this sense that God didn't really want to hear about the financial need today. I got to thinking about His presence, and said something before really even thinking it through, "Lord, I know You are my provision, so forget what I said about needing finances, and Lord, if I make no money at all tonight, that will be okay, just give me Your presence!"

How long has God been waiting for me to get to this place? Forget the money, forget the finances, forget the "needs", I just want You Lord! I had this deep knowing that what I asked was pleasing to Him.

I wish I could say I was a s pleasing the rest of the day.

I got to work, and little did I realize how much I was in for when I prayed that simple prayer! Normally I would get a 4-5 table section, and would (as long as we were busy) make decent money. When I got there, I was given a 3 table section, and halfway through the shift was told that I was not allowed to have more than 2 tables at a time. Then, to add insult to injury I (due to a reservation that never showed) only had 1 table for more than an hour!

My manager (who is new to being a manager) never even gave me the courtesy of saying why this thing had been done. And by this point I was getting UPSET! I tried and tried and tried to stay in prayer about this, I tried to give all this frustration to God and then I realized something.

I was getting upset and allowing my lack of financial support to undermine my focusing on God's presence.!!! I went to God in prayer and quickly asked Him to purify my heart, that I brought to Him a repentant heart, and that I simply wanted Him more than this job (I DO love my job).

When I asked God for his Presence and asked Him to relieve me of this burden that the job was bringing to me, He quickly did. I felt His peace, I felt His Presence, and the lack of "strife"

I thought I had it made.

But it seemed like every time I turned around, I was walking back in the flesh and abandoning the Spirit. Every other thought out of my mind was about how unfair the manager was being, how bad a manager she was, how she didn't know what she was doing... and I tried to catch myself from being critical!

In the end, I found myself walking more in the flesh, and less in the Spirit. And this hurts. The very thing I wanted, I walked away from after I so desperately asked for it. Lord, just to be in Your Presence.... that is ALL I care about! (until something goes wrong and I feel I am being wronged....) Lord, this one thing I ask, that I may dwell in Your Presence.... (until it becomes tough and I get offended) Lord, I don't care if I get nothing else done today, I just want You!...(until my flesh rises up and I get defensive)...

Lord forgive me. I KNEW what was happening to me today at work, and yet I still allowed it to dictate my response rather than pressing in to You!

We get so bogged down in what we think is important! We get tied down to those things we think we HAVE to worry about... We forget that Jesus said, "do not worry about your provision, the Father KNOWS what you need..." Luke 12:29-31 // Matthew 6:7-8 // Matthew 6:31-33

We have conditioned ourselves to look to our needs, and to ask the Father to meet them... but is that biblical? Have we missed the point? The point was to keep out eyes on the Father, and on His Presence.... Jesus didn't say "don't obsess over your needs, just take them to the Father" He said "Do not WORRY about them, do not concern yourself with them, do not seek them.

Lord, with Your help, I am going to stop looking to my needs, and focus solely on You! But as tonight proved, I am not there yet. I just want Your Presence Lord! more than the air I breathe, I want You! More than a job, provision, a roof over my head and food on the table, I simply desire You Lord!

I was listening to a song from Misty Edwards (I currently have it loaded on my blogsite), and I am simply in awe at this sister in Christ. To listen to her music is to become aware of a DEEP INTIMATE love affair that she has with her God. Very rarely do I come into contact with people who completely intimidate me when it comes to their closeness with God, but she does.

She sings of God in such a romantic and passionate way! I don't mean the "get flowers for the girl" type of romance... I mean the intensely personal "going to blush 13 shades of pink" romance... the romance that makes you weak in the knees and faint of heart... the romance that isnt intended for those outside the marriage covenant!

And such a romance has brought her to have a knowledge of God that I honestly haven't seen since reading A. W. Tozer. You literally have to search for information on this woman. She is being used by God to lead worship for a generation, yet, more than wanting to go "on tour", she is quite content to go back to IHOP to sing and praise God.

and as I pondered her anointing, it struck me.... she isn't more anointed than anyone else.... the only thing that has set her apart, is that she has paid the price for the depth of intimacy she has with God! For her, there is NOTHING more important than her Creator.

This is the kind of relationship I want to have with God! When I listen to her music, it isn't just that I feel God's Presence.... when I listen to her music, I am brought to a place where I intensely desire to LOVE God in such a deep and romantic way! I don't just feel His presence, I DESIRE His Presence! But she does... she completely intimidates me! I don't mind telling you! But it is not a "intimidation that shuts down goals".... it is an intimidation that causes me to DESIRE that kind of radical closeness....

Lord, I am all in! I am all Yours! I hold nothing back!

The Purity of the Body

2009-06-29T00:34:00.002-04:00

I feel like my heart is continually being ripped out of my chest, and replaced with an upgrade. Over and over and over again. But it isn’t from looking in the mirror, not directly anyway. God has been showing me the inside of me, through looking at the American Church. I know that sounds critical, but maybe there are times where critical is needed.

Over the last few days, God has been allowing me to take part in various debates and discussions concerning numerous topics, and these discussions have a broad walk of life that voice their opinions within these topics. But what has shocked me is not what the atheists say, nor is it what the muslims or the homosexuals have said. What has absolutely made my blood boil, are the comments, opinions, and thoughts from the other Christians!

I have come to believe a few things about the nature and character of God, and how it relates to our proximity to Him. “Our view of God determines our closeness to Him.” Unfortunately, we in the American Church have a distorted, twisted, and disfigured view of God. The truly sad part about this is that we have grown so familiar with this view of God that we do not even realize that there is anything wrong! We think we are close to Him even though in truth, we do not even realize how far away from Him we are. This is due in large part to the acceptance and ordination of false prophets within the Church.

Recently, I heard a preacher say “the reason we don’t see people running to the church to get saved is because the world sees a holy lifestyle while we are within the church, and an absolutely hypocritical lifestyle when we aren’t in church.”

The amount of post-modernism and complacency within the church is truly startling! Remember, “our view of God determines our closeness with Him.”

In a previous entry, I wrote about some of the debates and discussions I took part in that progressed to the point where I was getting attacked and labeled by other Christians as “insensitive, narrow-minded, arrogant, prideful, stubborn, unloving, and even hateful” because I stood on what the Bible said. In all actuality though, they were not calling me those things, they were calling God those things. But because they were either deceived or simply were being cowards, they decided it was easier to attack me, than to voice their opinions straight to heaven.

Here are some of the things that God has been showing me as it relates to his church.

1) Post-Modernism within the thought process of those in the church.

2) The excuse of “interpretations” to defend our twisted views of the complete truth contained in the Bible.

3) The overemphasis of God’s Loving character at the expense of His Justice

All these things interweave with each other, and though this list is not the whole list, this is simply what God has been showing me.

When we view the term post-modern, we usually think about the notion that truth is relative, and is completely determined by the perception of the individual and their “at that moment” circumstances. We are quick to point at our belief that Jesus is “the Way the Truth and the Life, and no one comes to the Father but through Him.” But post-modernism has snuck into the church under the veiled lie that our interpretations of the Bible can vary and that both can be right based on the person who believes it. The context this was presented to me was under the discussion of biblical truth, and not under the varying ways in which the Body can worship God. We know that there is no formula to serve God, and not one church has the exclusive “right way to do things”, however, what I am talking about was not some denominational difference about whether or not the Holy Spirit still operates in this day and age, but rather involved the view of God’s character and specifically things God has commissioned us to do until Jesus returns.

Think about it this way. Say we are discussing the role of “judgment” within the church. One person quickly (almost without thinking about it) makes the statement that “we are not to judge, for the Bible says, “Judge not, lest you be judged.” Then I come along, having heard this previous statement and make the statement that, “there is a difference between judging the person and judging their fruit, the Bible is very clear, “we will know them by their fruit.” I also make the point that we are not to judge the world, but we ARE to judge within the Body, for this was commanded to us through Paul’s letter in 1 Corinthians (chapter 5). I am quickly rebuked and labeled as someone who misinterprets the Bible. But when I ask HOW I misinterpreted the Bible, they refuse to answer, leaning on ignorance, rather than Biblical knowledge. This goes on until another comes in and makes the statement, “you cannot expect another to have the same faith as you, you are right, and she is right.” This answer SEEMS correct, but for the fact that it is laced with post-modern thought.

The context we are talking about is what we are and are not to do concerning judgment. How does one completely omit belief in another part of the Bible just to believe in the twisted view concerning a verse taken out of context that some view as “do not judge, EVER, under ANY circumstances.”? But instead of actually trying to learn what the Bible was talking about, we would rather allow indoctrination to dictate what we believe. This leads me to my point about the excuse of interpretations.

I made the statement one day when talking to other Christians that, “a person’s righteous deeds can be forgotten by God if that person chooses to walk back in sin and iniquity.” I then quoted Ezekiel ( ) as a biblical reference to back up this statement. I was told I misinterpreted the Bible. I asked how, and no answer came, but the accusation of misinterpreting the Bible remained. While reading some of the posts and entries on a facebook group discussion board, I saw a common theme by atheists and deceived Christians. They would routinely defend their position by saying that another person’s belief was based not on God’s Word, but on the interpretation by that person of His Word. But does this ever lead another to search through and study WHY the Bible can be trusted? People making this accusation (misinterpreting the Bible) rely on the weight of the accusation to demoralize the Christian into thinking that if they are to think a certain way, they cannot vocalize, or defend it. For when someone does defend it, they are labeled in ways I stated above.

I was told I was unloving when I said that faith in God required a life of self denial, obedience, and holiness. I was told that God did not require such things, and that God would “want me to be happy and be who I am.” This was told to me by a man that though he claimed to be a Christian, also lived an openly homosexual lifestyle. When he could not defend my statements that God’s Word said that homosexuality was wrong, he decided he would take the position that a “loving God would want him to be happy with who God made him, and live the life that he wanted to.” He came to this conclusion because he viewed God as loving, but not righteous. Merciful, but not holy. He viewed God as Gracious, but not demanding. Unfortunately, far to many Christians hold this view. They are quick to quote “God is love”, yet completely ignore Hebrews 12:29 (our God is a consuming fire).

Beginning to feel the Call

2009-06-26T19:29:00.000-04:00

When you have had exposure to the Living God, how does one begin to attempt to describe that with words? How do you try and organize your thoughts after entering into a place where no words are worthy to relay what it is you have just witnessed?

I spent today sleeping in. Work didn’t need me today, and so I relaxed and took it easy. I spoke to my authority briefly this morning, and began to communicate again how eager I was and how impatient I am getting. We spoke about the things I saw concerning the Ramp Ministry in Alabama, and even just watching it over the internet live feed, just messed me up. I am starting to see things from an entirely new perspective. I am not walking in it yet, but I have seen enough change to know that God is shifting my focus and my sight into different things.

I have been following a few things on the internet, and God has been using things as simple as a posting forum to relay to me some very disturbing things. A few days ago, I was on Facebook, when, for some unknown reason, I began looking for different “groups” that dealt with Christianity. I found one, looked around, and almost at once became disgusted. Under just the first page of topics, I saw more posts that dealt with homosexuality, pro-islamic conversions, and atheistic study groups than I saw Biblically based, God honoring, Body edifying discussion threads. Part of me wanted to simply leave, but I felt a nagging to join this group and post myself. This has become unlike me, as because I thrive on anything to do with arguments, debates, and/or discussion, I have avoided such things because I know that I operate out of my flesh when I get riled up. But for some reason, I felt the absolute need to join, and post my own topic. The topic I chose was simple. “Where is the focus of this group?”

What followed was a tidal wave of rebuke, scorn, attack, slander, accusations, and revilement. And for the better part of that day and part of the next, I sat there trying my best to talk sense into this community which claimed to be Christian. I sit here tonight, a few days later, and think back on the last few days, and I am starting to see something. I started to see the Body of Christ as it truly stands in America today. I was not only being attacked by muslims and atheists, I was being attacked by other Christians that have bowed to the world and the world’s sense of direction and purpose. This group has over nine hundred thousand members, most of which I believe are Christians, and many whom I know in real life and they LOVE Jesus with all their hearts. But out of that 900,000 I would estimate only 300 or so regularly post on the discussion boards. For most, simply being in the largest Christian group on facebook is like having a badge saying “I stood up for Jesus on the internet.” Most I have no doubt have never even looked at the discussion boards to see the absolute filth that is being discussed there. The very first thread I saw on this board was where someone said they were having a crisis of faith and was thinking about converting to islam, and a Christian responded saying that the poster should talk to Ezekiel (who was a muslim!) I spent hours that day going back and forth with homosexuals, muslims, atheists, and Christians who wouldn’t know Jesus if He turned their bottled water into wine! I resigned later that night in exhaustion. I felt like the Voice of One Crying.

Tonight, while waiting for the Ramp live stream to begin, I was again on facebook, and commented on a friend’s page, and this in turn progressed into a LONG discussion about the Bible. I was accused by another Christian of misinterpreting the Bible. When I asked how, where, and why, I was answered by this lady who refused to explain her accusation. The more I pushed, the more prideful she got. But no matter what I said, I could not get her to explain how I misinterpreted the Bible. Finally, another Christian male jumped in, and stated that “my faith may not always line up with another’s faith.” By this point I was extremely unnerved and as compassionately as I could find the words to express it, told this man that he could take his post-modern theological crap and throw it out the window. To my amazement, he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about. His entire point dealt with his belief that two people could both be right, and that it all depended on the perspective of the person (the very definition of post-modernism). But he didn’t even know that he believed in post-modern thought! Finally, after going around and around with him, the wonder of all wonders happened. An atheist jumped in and defended both Christians! Now I was already ramped up in my spirit due to the level and intensity of the debate, so when this happened, I was both wired, and disgusted at the same time. There were two things about this dialogue with the atheist I want to focus on. The first, was that he defended the other Christians. This alone, should tell you something about their stances, when an atheist comes in and tries to defend the same position. The second thing, was the accusation that I was looking down on him. He accused me of saying I thought he had less value than he did. When I read that, God almost immediately told me the truth…. I actually saw more value in him, than he did. Because I know that it was God that made and created him. That it was God that put gifts, talents, personality, and passion in him. And that it was God that put purpose in him. I was accused of treating him like he had less value than I did, and yet, I saw in him, more inherent value and purpose than he recognized!

And now I am starting to see it. It is not just that the Body of Christ has fallen asleep concerning its purpose. We have become whores! We have become the very thing we were saved out of! We like Israel, have been delivered from sin, only to choose slavery once more!

While this was going on, I was listening to the Ramp (Hamilton AL) on the web. Damon Thompson was preaching, and even over the internet, the very presence of God was evident. God moved in a mighty way, and I began to feel His anointing and the power of His glory. I have always felt called to the church. I never have claimed to be much of an evangelist, and I honestly don’t feel the passion for the lost like I do for the church. This isn’t to say I don’t want to see souls saved, I do. It’s just that that’s not where my passion lies. I have always felt called to the church. But I have always seen that call as one of pastoral care, helping the Body mature and grow spiritually. It always felt more like a maintenance labor more than anything. See, the things is, I never understood that what I was buying into was status quo.

Status quo. Some of you know immediately what I am talking about already. Others have not even a clue. Status quo. Do you know what status quo is? Status quo is the never ending plateau of church every Sunday, preaching to the choir, scheduling your revival serves, never preaching about who is running for president, see a few get saved, and generally resigning yourself to cultural apathy to the world around you. Do not be of the world you keep telling yourself. But as time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to distinguish the lines between the world and the church. What is status quo in truth though?

Status quo is the unholy alliance between the church and the world. It is the not just sneaking in of false prophets, but the ordination of them within the leadership of the Body. It is the denial of anything that resembles the New Testament in today’s culture, and the acceptance of new age, and post-modern thought into the teaching of the church. It is the whoring of the Body to lay down for its lover the world. It is to demonize those that do not resemble the church and start to resemble Jesus. It is the cultural mindset that says that we can do church and still love the world. Status quo is the fornication and adultery of the Bride of Christ, prostituting herself out to the lowest bidder, all for the sake of acceptance by those who stab her in the back the first chance they get.

I no longer feel called to the church as some pastor feels called to the sheep, to nurture and raise them up to maturity. I am beginning to believe that God is calling me to the church for a whole other reason.... more on this later.

The Eternal Perspective

2009-06-26T18:04:00.001-04:00

I love it when people try and reason within themselves why God cannot possibly exist. For to acknowledge His existence, means they have to acknowledge His Word. To acknowledge His Word, means that they have to admit the life they have been living is empty, and WRONG. To admit this, is to acknowledge that their life needs to CHANGE, and THAT.... is what they are afraid of.

If faith in God required no sacrifice on our part, people would wholeheartedly line up around the corner... but because the gift of the cross, comes with a price tag... (self-denial, obedience, holiness) people would rather reason away why it cannot be true, because they don't want to give up their flesh and its desires.

But this I promise you...... We will ALL stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ one day.... to give an account of our lives. And on that day, we WILL bow the knee to Jesus. The question is.... will you bow before then?

Where is the Power of the Cross in my life?

2009-06-22T18:07:00.015-04:00

It has been far to long since my last entry. Things seem to get disorganized and chaotic in my head the longer I go without trying to reflect and work through them. Songs I have heard the last few days have gripped my heart, listening to the Ramp (www.theramp.org), working as much as I can, and trying to connect with my authority (who due to relocating do not have the amount of time I am used to) have kept me pretty strained. (this will be a longer entry)

In my last entry, I reflected on how we can have seemingly good motives and still be in sin. That entry caused some in my life to think that I was trying to say goodbye to a relationship that I pursued. The intent was not to part ways, but rather to expose hidden motives and selfishness within my heart.

Now, my mind is trying to keep tabs on about a dozen topics and issues that I (for whatever reason) cannot seem to bring to fruition.

A week ago, I was driving and I was listening to a song from Hillsong called "Believe". Two sentences in this song so complete seized my heart that I lost track of the number of times I have repeated that one song during the following 3 days. "I'm not satisfied, living in yesterday's hour, I'm not satisfied, to have the form, but not the power." And even now, more than a week later I cannot seem to escape the thought that that is exactly what I have done. I have settled for the form, and dismissed the power because I knew the power would cost me. And if that wasn't bad enough, the next sentence completely wrecked me! "Where is the power of the Cross in my life?"

When I heard this song, I was at a red light watching cars drive by, and as I looked up at each one, I looked to the driver and it was like God was giving me a 1st hand glimpse into their world in the 2 seconds it took them to drive by me. In each one, I saw a different life, and different identity, a different perspective, and complete emptiness. In each one's face I saw a purposeless, going nowhere, end of the road mentality that set off a time bomb in my heart.

Did I want to reach into their world and say something, do something, or present them with SOMETHING that would change their outlook? Absolutely. But I have settled for the form, and not the power. Where IS the power of the cross in my life???

And that is the truth that has wrecked me these last few days.

I have been reading a book called "The Charismatic Century" by Jack Hayford. It is a historical account of the events and precursors that led up to the beginning of the emergence of Pentecostalism. But though I expected simply a historical approach, what I have encountered while reading it is a unveiling of the mindsets and insights that birthed a new move of God's Presence upon this world.

God has been hammering into me the difference between Head Knowledge, and Heart Knowledge. With Head Knowledge we understand God's Written Word, His Law, His Ways, and what He expects from us. But it is through the Heart that we understand His Living Word. His Living Word is his very heartbeat. It is his Presence that causes lasting change. It is through His Presence that deliverance comes. It is through His Presence that we find purpose and fulfillment.

Go to a church in your area. And while you are there, ask the question, "do I sense God's Presence in this place, or do I sense busyness? There has been MUCH debate and teaching over the passage in Luke 10.

Luke 10:38-42 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

This has always been taught comparing the contrast of service to worship. I think we have missed it though. Martha is upset because the "work" that she thinks needs to be done in order to host the Lord in her house is left to her to do. Meanwhile, her sister Mary simply wants His Presence. There is no indication at all in this passage that Mary was worshiping. She simply desired His Presence.

One sister thinks that in order to have the Lord come into her house she must cook and clean and sweep and bake and entertain and be a good hostess. The other sister simply pursues His Presence. Mary did not get wrapped up in hermeneutics, nor did she get distracted by working for it, earning it, or manipulating it.

Jesus said that Mary sought the one thing that was NEEDED. That one thing.... was, and still is to this day, His Presence.

This account has zero to do with ministering as a church. It has everything to do with the focus of His bride.

What strikes me about this passage though, is how it is strangely similar to the division within the Body of Christ between those who live in, encourage, and exhort the Presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and those who see such examples as misguided at best, and demonic at worst.

I was listening to the Ramp's live stream this last weekend and in the chatroom there was a person who from the time they entered started telling the rest of us how the Ramp was missing God, how we were all in bondage, and how God was not at all in the radical changing of lives that take place in these conferences. And it ALL revolved around one issue. "Tongues". It saddens me to think of all the examples I could illustrate where as soon as the issue of tongues comes up, every previous good work, action, or word is forgotten and the ministry is now labeled as heretical.

The same kind of bitterness that caused Martha to ask the Lord to rebuke Mary, is now being leveled against those in the Body of Christ who simply want to be in His presence and experience His anointing. The staggering thought though, is that the accusations are not coming from the enemy. They are coming from Brothers and Sisters in the Lord who believe that their entire devotion is based on what they have to do in His name, rather than simply being close to Him.

The other thing I want to briefly discuss is something I believe God is telling me, but it seems very different than what we grow up believing.

While I was watching the Ramp, someone made the comment in chat "why do we need to go the the Ramp to experience God, we can do it at our churches." And while this is correct, the question has lingered in my heart the last two days. In response to this, God has brought me back to my favorite character in the Bible, Elijah.

In our culture, we have often stressed that God is Omnipresent. By this, we mean that God is everywhere, at all times. This of course is absolutely true. But I think we have made a faulty conclusion based on that aspect of God's Presence. Many today will say things like "I don't need to go to church to know God." or something to that extent. And while there is a certain amount of truth to this, I think we have missed what is actually MORE true about the opposite of that statement.

I am starting to believe that there is something about God's Presence that (by its very nature) is ONLY available in certain areas, or in certain environments.

This is gonna make some get offended.... but I cannot help that.

Elijah had just dealt bhaal and Jezebel a major defeat at Mt Carmel. 850 of Jezebel's priests were put to death after the Lord sent fire from heaven. By all accounts, Elijah should have been PUMPED afterwords.... but instead, the very next day Elijah is running for his life because Jezebel threatened to kill him. First he flees into Judea. Then he decides to seek God's Presence. (1 Kings 19)

He leaves his servant in Judea and travels one days journey into the wilderness. Then he asks God to allow him to die. What follows is that Elijah is visited by 2 angels, and sent into the wilderness to seek God. Now, please take note of this. He was one days journey from Beersheba. He travels 40 days and 40 nights into the wilderness towards Mt Horeb (aka, Mt Sinai)

To seek God, he leaves Israel, and goes back the the first place God wanted to appear to His people. He walked hundreds and hundreds of miles out of the way in order to get back to a place where God had made His Presence manifested before. (Horeb was "the mountain of God" 1 Kings 19:8)

Now, some would say that Elijah was sent to Horeb. But that isnt really supported biblically. Even God asks Elijah "what are you doing here, Elijah?"

Before I say anything else.... I want time to seek God about this....

Update 8 June 09 (the sins of right motives)

2009-06-08T14:16:00.005-04:00

Over the last week, I have had the same thoughts that have permeated through my head. Some deal with past relationships, and how I never saw how (even having good motives) could become an idol, while others seem to throb at times that sin (by this I mean sin we willingly submit to) absolutely destroys any intimacy we have with the Father. Where I begin this entry, I am not really sure.

I started a new job last Saturday. And never in my life have I worked with so many attractive women. I say this because I really truly thought I had dealt with the issue of lust and emotions within this context. I have come to find out, that I have not truly dealt with it…. I just became VERY good at hiding it, even from myself. But I need to back up a bit farther.

The week before I went to a church service on Friday night at my church. It was geared towards worship, and intimacy within the Body. While pastor was talking at the start, I had the awareness that great things were about to break loose. I knew in my head that God was about to move, and I saw Him touch a multitude of people that night. But no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I sought, no matter how much I pressed, I could not enter into the emotional awareness that God was there. My heart has become so disconnected, that at times I weep when I relay this to another person.

However we may call the terminology, God’s presence is an amazing thing. We may call it His Presence, his Anointing, or his Glory, it stirs our hearts towards Him, and makes us aware in our spirit, that He is close, and that we are in His presence. And though I can see the evidence that that is happening, and I absolutely believe that it is Him, no matter how I long for it… I cannot seem to reconcile my heart with my mind. I saw people get healed, set free, touched, and changed. I saw laughter, I saw tears, I saw dancing, feet washing, jumping, singing, praying, and weeping. I saw people being ushered into His presence. I say this, because I know that is what happened. This is not a crisis of faith on my part. Nor is this my own internal doubt that I am a believer. But while everyone else was deeply aware at the heart level that we were in Gods Presence, I felt…. Nothing.

My heart it seems has become disconnected from God. I know many that would at this point seek to tell me how we should not depend on ‘feelings’, and on this I agree, but this is not what I am talking about. I do not depend on goosebumps in order to tell me that I am entering into God’s Presence. But it seems that we have forgotten that we are also to love God with all our ‘heart’. This is important because of many factors. But without that emotional awareness, it is VERY HARD to hear the Holy Spirit speak conviction when we enter into an area that sin abounds. And right now, the only thing that has acted as a barrier to the sin that would seek to enslave me, is the intellectual knowledge that it is sin, and that God has a better way. In and by itself this is not a bad thing. But, it is of critical importance when that knowledge is not backed up with the emotional awareness that sin not only breaks God’s commandments, it breaks His heart!

This has been bringing me to tears when I explain this to others. Because I truly long for those days when I entered into His presence through worship, prayer, fasting, and corporate gatherings. And this gave me revelation into my previous relationship with Michelle.

While I was seeking after Michelle’s heart, I never allowed certain things to come into my life because I knew they would cause problems. I never dealt with lust while I pursued her. I never had a problem with pornography while I pursued her. I felt empowered though our conversations, and felt focused, and MUCH closer to God through her influence in my life.

Now, where is the problem with that you ask? The problem is, that I never allowed those things to become a problem (or even a temptation) because I so wanted to keep my relationship with her pure, INSTEAD of because those things would break God’s heart. Even in the best of intentions, I put her above God, for my convictions of sin were based on her, and not on God. I didn’t even realize this until after I was in this season of not talking to her. My authority had counseled me to take time away from her, and I submitted to that, and am submitting to that. About a week ago, I was talking to my authority, and I mentioned that I missed talking to Michelle, and that I felt like I was stronger and more focused when I was talking to her on a regular basis. And that is when it became clear to both me and my authority at the same time (though they probably saw it before I did) that my motivation was to please her and keep my thoughts and actions pure towards her first, and then to honor God. Was it keeping me from sin? Yes, but it also kept me in sin. Even the greatest and most noble of actions can be idolatrous. Do I miss her? Absolutely! But God is dealing with me in many ways before I am allowed to pursue her again.

In a previous entry 20May09, I discussed certain things that I thought I had dealt with but which were still popping up in my life. These things continue to confront me, and the revelation that sin destroys intimacy is being pounded into me. I long for that intimacy with God again. I long to be able to discern (emotionally) His presence and His Glory again. But it seems that He is allowing me to go through a season where I do not feel His presence at all. Is He here? Absolutely. I can see how He is moving in my life everyday. But I think He is withholding the emotional awareness from me.

Some would ask, “why would God do that?” I believe He is allowing me to fully understand and grasp just what the absence of His presence feels like, so that I fully understand how sin destroys our relationship with Him. I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine the other night, and the analogy I used was in the context of marriage. Remember, we are the bride of Christ. In marriage, if your spouse lies to you, cheats on you, abuses your trust, ignores you, and treats you badly, it destroys any intimacy you may have. When they come to you and say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?” and you do, does that forgiveness mean that that trust is automatically restored, or that the intimacy is brought back immediately? No.

Once you forgive them, they are allowed to once again pursue your heart, and begin to build that trust and intimacy back. It is the same with God. When we ask Him to forgive our sin, He is faithful and Just to forgive us. He casts our sin as far as the East is from the West. BUT. That does not mean that we are restored to that place of intimacy with Him. This goes so far as to say that when we sin, not only does it destroy our intimacy with Him… but it also causes Him to forget our righteous acts.

Ezekiel 3:20
"Again, when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity, and I place an obstacle before him, he will die; since you have not warned him, he shall die in his sin, and his righteous deeds which he has done shall not be remembered; but his blood I will require at your hand.

Ezekiel 18:24
"But when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness, commits iniquity and does according to all the abominations that a wicked man does, will he live? All his righteous deeds which he has done will not be remembered for his treachery which he has committed and his sin which he has committed; for them he will die.

Ezekiel 33:13
"When I say to the righteous he will surely live, and he so trusts in his righteousness that he commits iniquity, none of his righteous deeds will be remembered; but in that same iniquity of his which he has committed he will die.

This is rarely taught in our churches. God is revealing to me the full weight of sin in our lives. And how God’s judgment is something that not only do we neglect under the guise of “grace”, but is probably the most important aspect of a Christian’s walk. We focus on God’s love at the expense of His severity. God IS LOVE, but He is also a consuming fire.

I made the comment while I was pursuing Michelle, that I wanted a woman who loved God MORE THAN she loved me. Little did I know that God was trying to show me even back then that I was loving her more than I was loving God.

God is peeling back the layers of corruption around my heart. He is exposing things I truly shudder to think about. He is doing this because He wants to heal my heart, and restore it to fellowship to Him. I am having to lean on the small sliver I ‘feel’ more than all the intellectual knowledge I have. And this is very strange for me. It grieves my heart that I cannot discern His presence. And the more I try to rationalize and reason within my mind how I can get it back, the more lost I feel. We are told to love the Lord God with all our Heart, Mind, Soul, and Strength. I have become aware that my mind and heart are completely out of balance. My mind dominates, and my heart feels atrophied. And though I do not know how long this season will last for, I do know it will pass, and I will once again enjoy the amazing comfort and glory of His presence.

Vulnerability by Simple Submission?

2009-05-29T13:06:00.010-04:00

This thought snuck in (ninja-ed access to) my head this morning, and quickly transformed into a possible revelation.

I was thinking about my recent visit to Montana, and the beginning of this discipleship season I have entered into. I was also half heartedly thinking about what a possible book name would be to communicate what I have been/am/and am about to walk in. The name "The Disconnect of the Heart" sounded promising, and then before I knew it I was thinking about the question my authority asked me. "Are you afraid of freedom?"

I know in my head the answer would still be the same... (yes, I am afraid of freedom), but I do not feel the same way about it that I did when I was confronted with it.

Then I felt vulnerable, exposed, transparent. Today I felt none of that. After talking to my authority about this, it was made clear to me that simply by being submitted, you gain vulnerability.... and through that vulnerability, you gain revelation into the inner workings of your heart.

This season has made me keenly aware of how much my heart has been disconnected from my spirit. Because of this, my heart is dominated by carnality, and I have only my head knowledge that such things are wrong to restrict me from falling into sin. The Holy Spirit is very present in my life, but I have become so calloused that I no longer feel that conviction when something grieves the heart of God. This is because my heart has become disconnected.

The Bible talks about how God takes our heart of stone and replaces it with a heart of flesh. Why is the heart so important? We are told to Love the Lord our God with ALL our Mind, Heart, Soul, and Strength. I limited the knowledge of the Word, to simple head knowledge, making it restricted to the limitations of my mind. I love God with all my mind... I truly do. But I have neglected the heart.

And here is the thought that permeates through my head right now....

Is it possible, that I am having a hard time pressing into the realm of my heart, BECAUSE, my heart does not trust me? Or is it because my heart has been in a state of atrophy? The only emotions that flow through it currently are ones of carnality and selfish desire. Is this why I have not been able to feel or discern God's presence? Yet, while I was in Montana, submitted to authority, I went through a 'discussion' that had it come from ANYONE else, I would have become defensive, calloused, and probably walked away... and because I submitted myself in the midst of that, my heart became soft, and vulnerable... and I was able to gain revelation to much truth!

God says He will replace our heart of stone with a heart of flesh... by submitting, you keep your heart soft, or you soften it through submission, and as you do that, you gain that transformation....

The term "Christian" is starting to make me Nauseas

2009-05-22T16:39:00.002-04:00

Well now! Now that I have your attention (shocking headlines tend to draw the spotlight) Let me explain.

I love Jesus with all my heart. I will forever be a disciple of Christ, and will always love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

I have been reading a book by Rick Joyner called "The Call" which is a sequel to the book "The Final Quest", and through it I have been made aware of just how much the what I call "Western American" church is truly failing. Ohhh, now before you say I am judgmental, allow me to first off say, I am the most guilty of all.

I have run from correction, pursued after ministry, tried to dictate how God could best us the abilities He gave me (as if I knew better than He!), I have hid my true nature, pretended to be spiritual at the expense of righteousness, allowed my own lust to steer me on whatever path 'seemed' Godly, and absolutely rejected His judgment in my life.

So when I say the term "Christian" is making me sick, I am looking in the mirror when it comes out of my mouth.

I have been a Christian for 13 years now, and during that time, I have been part of churches that gauge success by the number of cards that are filled out during the alter call. I have been in churches that care more for the bake sales than they do changing lives.

How did we get here?

I believe we got here primarily because we have abandoned Biblical teaching on God's Judgment. Oh, we are QUICK to say "revival starts with me", but we breath that statement without having even the faintest view as to what it means. We have divorced the connection between God's judgment, and His mercy. He judges us (yes, US, aka the church, the "called out ones", the saved) BECAUSE He is merciful.

We will all stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ to give an account for our lives. Sadly, if I were to stand there now, I would have very little Gold, Silver, and Precious Stones to show for my life.

I see people today label themselves as Christian who have NO BUSINESS using the term! Through reading this book, I have started to see things from a ENTIRELY different perspective. And that perspective is eternity! God forgive me for all my selfishness and deceit.

I have friends, who use the label Christian as some kind of fashion statement. I know I know, it isn't. But because we have allowed carnal people to shape the term Christian nowdays, it has been diluted to the point where I am beginning to think we need a new term just to separate the truly obedient from the weekend warriors (a term I use VERY loosely)

I thank God for people like Karen and Damon (www.theramp.org), people who will forget the politically correct, sugar coated, power-stricken, "I dont want to offend anyone" trash-talk, and stand and be BOLD! Let's call Sin SIN! Let's recover that lost 'love', and start holding friends accountable!

Father, knowing full well, what it is I ask, I pray that You would start with me. Judge me. Purify me. Purge me from ALL unrighteousness. Or take my life. For Your Word says, it is better to enter heaven disfigured, than to be whole in hell.

Let it start with me.

Discipleship Update: 20May09

2009-05-20T17:00:00.001-04:00

† Discipleship Update: 20May09 †

Over the last few days I have started seeing some very subtle things. I have been back in Tennessee for about a week and a half, and I feel like I have been going through THE most intense battle I have ever experienced. The level of temptation, and assault I have been bombarded with is unlike anything I ever thought possible. But it has all been so subtle, so quiet. And then, two days ago I started seeing an almost unnoticeable shift. The assault stopped being an assault, and started being an uncovering. Suddenly, I went from being attacked by the enemy, to being exposed to my inner heart by our Father.

I thought I had dealt with these things many years ago. I thought I mastered these emotions, I thought they were not just under control, but that they were beaten. What I found though, was that I had only repressed those things years ago and never truly gained true freedom. I thought freedom was simply that I didn’t listen or bend to those voices anymore. But I had a false sense of freedom that I now understand was not freedom at all. I have been afraid of freedom. True freedom. It scares me. I have never seen it in my life. And you only get a limited perspective when you see someone else walking in complete freedom. While I was in Montana, I had mentioned to Tony that I have never been good at ‘reflection’. I have never known how to search my own heart and take a ‘clear’ look at just what it is I have been hiding and covering up. Now it seems that reflecting is all I have been doing the last few weeks. (though I am still not good at it yet). Why did the assault shift from being tempted? Because God wants to expose these things to me so that I can gain freedom. Not a repressed temporary victory won because I disciplined myself enough to bury those things deep, but a real lasting complete freedom!

I didn’t realize that it was God bringing these things to the surface because I always misinterpreted the verse in the Bible that says god does not tempt us. I viewed bringing those things to the surface AS temptation, thus I rejected that it was God uncovering those things, thus never really allowing Him to deal with them. And because of this, I never saw God from this perspective. Because I never saw God from this perspective, I limited myself to seeing Him only in certain regards. And because of this I limited His guidance in my life.

I finished reading “The Final Quest” by Rick Joyner and began reading the second book called “The Call”. This book picks up where the previous one ended and explores (in vivid fashion) how our view of God determines our closeness to God. Every night I have read alittle more. And every night, I have had vivid dreams and visions that feel somewhat like surgery upon my heart.

I never truly wanted to dig deep in my own soul, because I NEVER wanted to see just how wretched I am!

Many of you (my friends) have asked me about my discipleship and just what it is I have submitted myself to. Some of you have already questioned why I have allowed myself to be placed in a position where no detail of my life is hidden. I understand that this seems extreme. I understand that this is not something you seem everyday, (if at all), so I want to take some time and better explain why I have chosen this course.

I have become (through MUCH practice) a master at hiding myself from God and others, (including me!). The least taught on principle in the Bible (even less taught than tithing) is the principle of discipleship. We have this belief that discipleship is simply sitting under a pastor every Sunday morning and/or Wednesday night. Discipleship is simply being taught by another in the faith. The reason we do not see many signs and wonders today, is because to few people ever allow themselves to be truly discipled, thus never REALLY begin walking in authority.

Discipleship has nothing to do with college, nothing to do with seminary, and nothing to do with church. Discipleship has NOTHING to do with anything you think you may know. We all think that discipleship entails simply ‘learning from a teacher’. But to what extent?

♦Jesus was discipled for 30 years before walking in power. (do you really think He couldn’t have gone STRAIGHT to the cross?)
♦Jesus discipled the 12 for three years, before they were appointed apostles.
♦Elijah was discipled by God at Cherith and Zaraphath.
♦Elisha was discipled by Elijah.
♦Timothy was discipled by Paul.
♦Moses was discipled by the desert for forty years.
♦Joshua was discipled by Moses.
♦David was discipled by the wilderness.

Let me ask you this. Do you think the only time the disciples had a heart check was when Peter opened his mouth as recorded in the New Testament? They (lived) with Jesus. For three years. NOTHING was hidden. Discipleship has nothing to do with sitting under a pastor once or twice a week… discipleship is LIFE. It covers ALL areas of life.

I have spent far to many years saying I am a Christian, and not enough years truly admitting I am a disciple. I have brushed over the foundation in order to get to the ‘appearance’ of spirituality. I have long boasted I am a child of His, and muted myself when it came to the topic of self-denial. I have always talked abut how God can use the gifts He has given me, and failed (yes FAILED) to admit that they all belong to Him anyway. Ohhh I talk the talk. I can debate with the best of them. I can speak, preach, and teach about the Bible, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and any other topic covered in the Bible.

But all that would be for nothing… because it would lack POWER. It would lack power because I lack the authority. I lack the authority because I have not learned obedience. I have never learned obedience because I have DENIED discipleship! Remember, the Bible says Christ LEARNED obedience by the things He suffered!

I need to bring this back to me, because I am not equipped yet to teach on this.

I am submitting myself under a ministry because God has made it VERY clear, that so-so and good enough are KILLING me! Lukewarm is destroying my spirit. Half in half out is keeping me from the very thing that God is calling me to.

Radical Closeness! A walk of authority. The death of my flesh and the denial of self.

What does this season of discipleship cover in my life? Well, let’s see. It covers: Health, Finances, Thoughts, Plans, Motives, Fears, Failures, shortcomings, obedience, vocation, ministry, family, friends, relationships, dating, marriage, and just about anything else you can think of.

This is not some college dorm where I take a few classes and have my own life on the side…. This is Boot Camp!

Why would I agree to this?

Because I am tired of seeing Christianity be limited because we are to afraid of radical closeness. I have no use for seeking a career (in the world or even in “ministry”). Even the term “Christian” as we use it today is beginning to make me nauseas.

Do you know what will reach this post-modern generation? It isn’t truth. Hate to break it to you. Truth will not affect them like it did even 20 years ago. Post-modern thinking says there is not absolute truth. So you can preach until you are blue in the face and they will look at you and say “that’s might be true to you.”

BUT, I guarantee, if you heal the sick, cast out demons, cause the blind to see, prophesy, raise the dead, and have the SIGNS accompany the MESSAGE in POWER, people are going to ask questions! How do you get the power? By gaining the authority. How do you get the authority? By walking in obedience. You learn obedience by the things you suffer. And it ALL starts with REAL BIBLICAL discipleship!

Discipleship #2

2009-05-09T16:01:00.000-04:00

“Read this book.” The words came out of nowhere. I was helping Tony clean out his garage when he made the statement. “We require everyone who comes under this ministry to read this book” he continued. I looked at the softcover small book he had handed to me. “The Final Quest”, by Rick Joyner. Okay I thought, if Tony recommends it, that is good enough for me. The next night I was flipping through the pages and made it to page 22, but because of the numerous things which kept me busy during my stay in Montana I proceeded no further. That is, until I hopped on the Greyhound bus heading back to Tennessee. Truth be told, I did not want to get on the bus that left Montana. I still do not want to be on this bus as I am writing this while travelling between Montana and North Dakota. I am heading back to Tennessee in order to have some time to think about what it is I have chosen to commit myself to. I go back to Tennessee in order to allow for closure and to explain to some friends why I must shortly head back to Big Sky country. This will not be easy, I tend to try and over explain things that should be left for others to expound upon.

As I started reading this book about 4 hours ago, other than for a couple 5-10 minute breaks (due to greyhound scheduling) I have not been able to put it down. Each page seems to pierce my heart and speaks directly into my spirit. Especially since page 71. I am on page 92 currently, and after almost every single page, I have to highlight a passage and ponder it before moving on. 21 pages. 21 pages have made this the single most powerful book I have ever read outside the Holy Scriptures. Each page seems to be God’s very heartbeat directed straight at me.

“I hear Wisdom speaking through you much louder than I hear Him in my own heart, so I know I must stay very close to you.” (page 71)

This one statement sums up what it is that is drawing me to Montana. I have grown much since I moved to Tennessee. But this growth pales in comparison to what it is that is awaiting me in Big Sky country. In many ways, I have heard God speak to my heart since I left Florida. But even those times seem but a shadow and a whisper compared to the door God is opening for me now.

“Spiritual maturity is always determined by our willingness to sacrifice our own desires for the interests of the Kingdom or for the sake of others.” (page 72)

What greater statement can be made concerning how we view spiritual growth and development than this? This statement pierces my heart, because lately I have only been concerned with my growth, my development, my ministry, my life. I have not even for a moment considered self sacrifice, even though I could quote you Jesus’ comment concerning “deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me.”

The next portion of this book seems to me at least to be a conversation that I see myself having with my friend Tony in Montana (the very person who I am submitting to under his ministry).

“I knew I must enter the door before me, and that it would be wise to learn all I could from someone who had preceded me and had obviously chosen the correct door to the top.” (page 72)

“I have shown you this door because you wear the mantle and would have found it anyway, but time is short and I am here to help you mature quickly.” (page 73)

“By the time you reach the top again, your heart will contain treasures more valuable than all the treasures of the earth.” (page 73)

“I loved the eagle so much I could barely stand to leave him. I was glad to know I would see him again. Now the door was drawing me like a magnet. I opened it and entered.” (page 73)

These words seem to leap off the page and inject themselves into my heart. I have no doubt I could have casually read this book with very little difficulty before I came to Montana. But over the last 2 weeks God has been showing me such amazing things, and maturing me in ways I had completely forgotten about, and now I can barely turn the page before I am floored again by another revelation! And it seems to be written specifically to me! I read these words, and I can see a glimpse of what this conversation has been in my life. The words might change, but the message is exactly the same! And this is the conversation I am having with Tony and Tammy right now!

I am currently somewhere about 9 hours away from Fargo ND. But already I can see how and why God wanted me to step away from Montana before He sends me back. I have never been one that is good at reflection. Truth be told, I am horrible at trying to figure out what God is showing me (specifics anyway). Yet, while I am on this bus, driving away from the very place I want to be, my heart seems to allow for more clarity. I take joy in knowing I will be back in Montana soon. If Tennessee was my Cherith, then Montana is Zaraphath. Lord, please allow me to return soon, and open the doors that need to be opened, and shut the ones that need to be shut.

There is to much to type concerning page 83 and how it grips my heart. You will need to read the book to find out why. But I will provide a short sentence which gives me such hope.

“You will see a greater glory, but also a greater terror than you have ever known. (page 83)

Do you know what the most fearful thing a Christian will ever have to face is? It isn’t the lions of the Coliseum. It is beheadings. It isn’t hateful neighbors, or upset friends. The most fearful things a Christian will ever face in their own life is . . . themselves.

Think about it. We will all stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ to be judged for all the things we have done in our lives. Our possessions of wood, hay, and sticks will be turned to ash, while the gold, silver, and precious jewels we bring will survive the fire and come out for our glory. Our Father wants us to face ourselves before we come before the Judgment Seat. But this is always the last things we want to do. We ignore it, we avoid it, we sweep it under the rug. But we will face it. One way or the other. Face it now and it is easier on us later. Avoid it until the Judgment Seat, and we will be found wanting. Remember, God is Love, but He is also a consuming fire.

The fastest way to the very heart of God, is through ourselves. And because I have wasted so many opportunities, God is having to allow for drastic measures to mature me for the coming season where the very Call of God on my life was purposed for.

As I read this book, I am becoming more and more aware of the perspective that God is restoring those lost years. I think of Job when I remember the passage in the Bible that says “God will restore the years the locusts have eaten.” Job went through a very trying time. A time where he questioned God’s Wisdom, his own sin nature, and a host of other things. Yet he went into the trial having lost everything. Shortly after he emerged from the trial everything he had was restored to him. “The Final Quest” sets the stage for a huge battle in which we (the saints of God) go to war against the armies of hell concerning the souls of man and the redemption of the world. It is the most powerful book I have ever read (and I am only on page 103 currently).

Sit by yourself for hours on a bus travelling across the country and you start to think. And my mind (and heart) have been intently focused on God since I started reading this book. I have tried to ponder and meditate upon my time in Montana over the last 2 weeks. And I feel like I am on the other side of a veil and for whatever reason, I cannot get on the other side. I can see through it, and catch a glimpse of what the other side holds, but I cannot breakthrough to the other side and into His presence.

Tony tells me that it is because I have been so removed from His anointing. I look back on my life and I remember such times of pure delight in His presence, but now I feel, disconnected. I see the evidence of His presence all around me, yet, I myself cannot breakthrough into the awareness that I am in the midst of His presence.

It is different from how it is at church though. I do not mean I feel nothing at church. It’s just that, church is different than what it is I am speaking of right now. Have you ever had those times, when the Spirit of God falls upon a group of people, and you know your life will never be the same? I am not talking about some hyperemotional, chaotic, lapse of self control that throws people into some strange fit of convulsions, or snake handling. I am talking about the very presence of God weighted down around you in such a way, as to make you aware of how small you are, how big He is, and how being in his presence is ALL you need. Some people call it the Glory. Others call it the anointing. Stills others call it nonsense. But the fact is, when you breakthrough to His presence, your life changes. There is freedom in his presence.

“Courage is a demonstration of faith.” (page 90)

Do you have any idea how hard it was to choose this path? Montana has the ability to kill me. My life will NEVER be the same. And it will be as hard as it is life altering. This is not some picnic. This is the door to self denial. This is the door of picking up the cross, denying myself, and following Him. This is radical, intense discipleship. Why is it that God told Israel many times, “Therefore be strong and very courageous.” The act of courage requires a very real risk, a very real danger. Choosing the path less traveled, requires great courage, because it involves very real risk.

“After this, you will not have your trust in anyone else, even yourself, but only in the Lord.” (page 93)

Through the door. Through the door into the judgment seat. Into the exposing of myself. Into the uncovering of all my flaws, sins, shortcomings, failures, fears, and flesh. What I am about to state, is head knowledge I have right now, but soon, it will be engrained upon the very depths of my heart. When we realize, just how sinful and worthless we are, just how low and broken we stand, and just how little mercy we deserve, and we contrast that with just how much Christ loves us, gave His life for us, and will JUDGE us, it tends to minimize our having faith in ourselves, others, or anything save Him. When we get to that place, we trust only in him, not in ourselves, our own power, influence, ability, gifts, talents, or anything else except Him, and only Him.

My trip to Montana showed me a few really substantial things. First, I can not simply rely on another person to tell me what to do. Ultimate growth will be determined by my own initiative when seeking God and trying to uncover my own wretchedness. Second, I have to be patient. It has been a long time since I partook of his presence in a powerful way, I cannot expect to simply breakthrough into that without clearing debris from the field. Third, I, in my own power, have not a clue as to how to do it. This is why I need a spiritual covering. This is why I need authority over me. Proverbs says, in the multitude of counselors there is victory.

“What you see with the eyes of your heart, is more real than what you see with your physical eyes.” (page 47)

God is starting to pry open the eyes of my heart. And I can sense Him doing it. But it is not a outpatient surgery, it is a continual staying in his presence, submitting to His covering, and seeking His face.

__________________ (just left Fargo ND) ____________________

I still do not want to be travelling back East. I am on page 113 of The Final Quest, and with each new page I am awakened to some issue in me that must be resolved before I am whole. Don’t ask me to specify which ones, I struggle even now to name them, but it is enough for me at this point to become aware of these things, even if naming them is beyond my ability currently. As I read, I begin to ponder as to the Calling God has placed on my life even before the foundation of the world. He knew I would struggle with these things. And I believe He has given me all the abilities I need in order to deal with them, yet such a thing feels so foreign to me. Each new page opens the idea that He has in fact, Called me to something great. As I read, there seems to be a subtle moving from it being strictly a head knowledge knowing, to it taking root in my heart, and I wonder, “what if it is true? What will it look like?” The thought is vague and fleeting, and there are other things that demand my attention at the moment.

As I reflect on my time in Montana, I already feel the lack of something I didn’t even notice much while there. Again, I struggle to name it, but it has something to do with my fellowship with Tony and Tammy. Maybe it is simply the support network I have been missing for many years. Maybe it is the fact that they are pouring into my life. Maybe it is the Anointing. I believe it is all these things and countless more, though again, trying to explain it right now is like trying to give a detailed account as to what the wind looks like. I already miss it though.

The more I sleep, the more I dream about Montana, and what awaits me. Nothing directly, yet when I wake, I feel again the call to get closer to what it is God is about to start in me, yet it has already started.

I am struck by such a simple yet profound truth. For many many years I sought after ministry, thinking myself ready, considering myself capable. But as I read these pages from The Final Quest, I know beyond any doubt, I am nowhere close to being ready, and I never understood why until now. I considered it enough, and even profitable before God to have a ministry that simply presented truth with 100% biblical accuracy. Toss in a bunch of truth, add an equal amount of grace, throw in a pinch of redemption, love, compassion, and forgiveness, and you have a God honoring ministry. (Or so I thought). I never contemplated the full depth of what it will be to stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ.

I didn’t think about the standard we would be measured by. It is easy to think the standard a simple thing when you only very briefly give it a passing thought. But I realize now, I am so far away from being ready for ministry that I am amazed God has had me witness, teach, minister, and write at all! I think I have been seeking after ministry in order to have a place to fit in. A place to belong. And while that is not a bad thing at all, I think my motives were wrong for wanting to be a teacher of the Word, a witness to Him, a minister of His Gospel. Do I believe I am called to ministry? Yes. But my motives were wrong, and if I had been allowed to that place with the wrong motives, I would have done more harm than good, to myself, and to others. It would have been selfish ambition that propelled me into ministry. It would have been my desire to fit in that moved me. It would have been a twisted form of idolatry that motivated me to proclaim the truth of His love. Lord forgive me!

I am not ready. Not even for such a thing as praying for someone.

How can any of us be entrusted to that most serious and somber of all treasures? Lord, thank You for not allowing me to walk through that door right now.

Discipleship #1

2009-05-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

The morning air was cold, gusting to about 15 mph. The last few days made me aware of just how cold the wind makes Montana. If it weren’t for the wind, it would be extremely pleasant out, even at 28 degrees. The air is crisp and clean, and each breath makes you aware of just how fresh it is. This morning though there is movement in the house. From the guest room I hear footsteps, and the sound of dishes and mugs being moved and taken out of the cabinets. Today was Thursday and I had been here for almost a week. I arrived on Saturday and it seemed each day simply raced by. From horse sales to horseback riding, driving through town, working out in the high school weight room, and numerous other activities that had taken place since I arrived, the days have simply vanished away, leaving only my digital camera and the hundreds of pictures I had taken as a reminder of my memories. This country is beautiful and breathtaking. But that wasn’t why I came. I didn’t come here for the mountain scenery. Nor did I travel here for the hunting. It wasn’t the horse culture and ranches that lured me here. It was the fellowship.

This morning though I have no answer to the questions Tony asks me while driving. The trip to Livingston only takes about 90 minutes from Townsend, but as I try and formulate a response to a simple query from Tony, the drive seems unending. "What is God showing you?" I look him in the eye, then avert my gaze, looking to the road, the fields of alfalfa on either side, the clouds, the snow, the road again. Anything to buy myself some more time to think about this question. I fumble about until I give a somewhat vague, "Nothing I can put my finger on, just a lot of little things." He doesn’t seem to buy this answer, but, unlike Tony, chooses not to push further. This seemed strange though, Tony never was one to give up on an answer he asked the question to. "What does Rob see about Rob?" The question seems to penetrate my blockade of defenses and lodges itself somewhere deep within my soul, though immediately I cannot tell where. Again I fumble to give him an answer. I give a half hearted answer about some fear I am dealing with. Somewhere within me is the hope that this answer will appease him. Maybe he will stop asking more questions. He seems to gaze through the road ahead, and then, . . stops asking.

We travel to Livingston and he conducts his business at the saddle store we came there for. I enjoy spending time with Tony. Here is a man that I respect, who for whatever reason, has allowed me to have a place in his life and in the lives of his family. You know that place, where people become not just friends, not just people you know, but rather they become an extension of your family? That’s Tony and Tammy. I have known them for the better part of my Christian life. We met one day as I was invited by another friend to ride horses after church. This skinny but intense cowboy walks up to me and hands me the reins of a horse he says is quote, "dog gentle." The rest, is history. I began working for him years later, would take part in the jail ministry he preached in every Friday night, would live in a tent on his ranch for four months in the winter of Florida, and through him, I would discover a church that more than any other I have ever visited before, or since, felt more like home to me than my own house.

I moved to Tennessee six months ago after the passing of my mother from COPD. The last four years however seem a blur. Isolation, resignation, and a hollowed surrender to life kept me from truly living. But then, sometimes God gives us the very thing that we think we want. After I moved to Tennessee, I came out of that depression and called my friend Tony one day. We spoke for an hour or two, and over the next few months, we spoke many more times and that fellowship, which I abandoned long ago, was once again restored. Then about a months ago while I was talking to Tony, he invited me to visit him and his family in Montana. And that they would cover the cost of travel for me. So, 2 weeks later, I am riding on a greyhound bus to visit friends that I had missed terribly over the last 6 years. And then the most wonderful thing started happening during the wait to travel to Montana. God started moving in ways I could visibly see. At first it was that still small voice that simply said, "there is more to your trip to Montana than you think there is." Then it branched from there to, "You know Tony doesn’t just make invitations like this (especially coming out of the ministries’ finances) without a reason, he is going to ask you something important." Then just to add more suspense, God dropped the atomic bomb of all thoughts. "What do you think about moving to Montana?" And all this was even before I got on the greyhound bus to travel here!

Tony seems not to push the questions today. And I am grateful. I didn’t know how to answer it. I didn’t have an answer for it. But as we get back to his house later in the afternoon, after the horses are cared for, Tony asks me to come into the dining room. When I get there I sit down and both he and Tammy sit down also. These are the times of confrontation and spiritual surgery I have come to refer to as the "round table moments."

It is a dangerous place to allow someone into your life that knows more about you than you do. But then, I think that is why I restored fellowship with Tony. Both he and Tammy seem to have the direct line to God concerning all things related to me, and this is both a huge comfort, and an immense concern to me. But today was different. Today Tony simply said, "I am not sure you are ready for this." By ‘this’ he is referring to the thing God is leading me to. And that is moving to Montana to be accountable, and radically discipled by both Tony and Tammy. Immediately I begin to feel desperation within me. For as much as I am terrified of what this season of my life will look like, I am more scared of passing it up or somehow causing them to change their mind concerning their invitation. What do you mean I am not ready, I think to myself. Didn’t God direct this thing? Isn’t God the one that brought me up here to begin with?

"I asked you this morning what God was showing you, and you gave a vague answer to a very specific question. Then I asked you what Rob was seeing about Rob, and you couldn’t answer that." Something inside of me broke. I can feel the emotions start to surface. Tony continues with his train of thought. He speaks of freedom, he speaks of fasting, and as he is talking, something is churning inside my spirit. Something I have never let out before. Something up until that point, I didn’t think I had to expose. That thing was me.

For as long as I had known Tony, both he and Tammy always seemed to know what was going on inside me before I did. They knew things about me that I didn’t know myself. Such knowledge could only come from God. And because of that, I allowed their insight to dictate the conversations, I never had to share it or vocalize it myself. And that is what God was bringing to the surface today.

And before I knew it, my tears are falling in front of both of them. I am trying to form sentences but even such a things as simply words seem difficult for me now. As I attempt to share with them such things from the deepest darkest recesses of my soul, I become more and more emotional, more tears come, more crying, more difficulty forming sentences. Then the truth hits me. Tony asks a question, "Rob, I want you to think about this. Are you afraid of freedom?" The question hits me like a freight train, but inside before I even have a chance to process it, my spirit demands to be heard, and I say without hesitation, "yes."

The truth is, I have never had to be vulnerable around another. The truth is, I have always been a ‘go with the flow’ type of guy. The truth is, I have never allowed anything to affect me in major ways. Not the death of my mother, not moving to an unknown state (Tennessee), not losing jobs, losing homes, nothing. Nothing truly affects me. Not in a major way at least. I have insulated myself. I have erected massive walls around myself to keep anything that is risky at bay. Things have always been done in my time, in my way, and thus, I have always been able to rest in the knowledge that if I failed, it was because of my choices and I could endure that. I attempted to build the ministry God has for me, not because I thought I could do a better job than Him, but rather because if I controlled it, then I controlled how badly I got hurt if it went south.

Galatians 5:1 says, "It was for freedom that Christ set us free." That freedom means we have the freedom to be vulnerable around another person. What was God showing me today? He was showing me that I cannot simply be passive through this process of discipleship and rely completely on Tony and Tammy to do it all for me. I have to share, and desire that change within me. And make no mistake about it, this is radical discipleship. Jesus spent 3 years pouring into the lives of His disciples. I am committing myself to the entirety of this course. And this has the potential to kill me. Do you have any idea how hard it was to open up and bear my soul in front of Tony and Tammy? And these are people I know, people I trust, people I know that if push came to shove would bleed and die in order to protect me. But even with them, I felt intense battle going on inside me over whether or not to confide my deepest darkest secrets I didn’t even want to look at myself…..

And this marked the beginning of my discipleship. And this is the journey I now invite you the reader to take with me as I walk down this path, and confront the things that hold me back from the absolute fullness of what it is that God has called me to.